Sometimes, there’s a good reason one spouse doesn’t want to be physically naked with the other.
If there’s been betrayal, abuse, untreated addiction, significant relational wounding without repentance, or coercion to do a specific sex act that is uncomfortable, sexual intimacy may need to pause while trust is rebuilt.
Also, a medical issue may prevent a person from having sex comfortably.
But when one spouse unilaterally announces, “Sex is off the table,” not because of safety or a medical issue, but because they’re feeling disconnected, resentful, or simply they have lost their libido and they don’t want to deal with that part of the relationship, it leaves the other spouse isolated.
While I see this most often said by wives, I’ve also known husbands to withhold—and sometimes this goes on for months or even years.
This can put a relationship in a very dangerous place.
Nobody is entitled to sex. Sex should never be demanded, manipulated, pressured, or coerced. Yet, it is a real and strong marital relationship desire.
To ignore that is to ignore the importance of fully bonding in marriage.
When a married couple in a long-term committed relationship have sex, hormones necessary for bonding are released.
Post-orgasm release of oxytocin fosters feelings of affection, connection, and trust.
While vasopressin acts as a key driver of monogamy and mate-guarding behaviors.
Both these hormones drive our attachment systems to seek closeness with the other, creating greater motivation to work through relational challenges together.
The problem begins when one person decides, “Because that need isn’t important to me, it shouldn’t be important to you.”
To expect a spouse to meet your emotional intimacy needs, but to suppress their sexual desire, is counter to how we are designed.
Also, when one partner is a porn user or has affairs, they prime these hormones to be released with other partners, even if those are fictional. This desensitizes their bonding system and can result in their intimacy desires feeling “turned off” with their spouse.
At its deepest level, every attachment relationship is asking two fundamental questions:
Do my needs matter to you?
And when I reach for you, will you reach back?
One spouse may be saying, “I need physical touch and sexual intimacy, so I know that you desire me.”
The other may be saying, “I need affection, conversation, and for you to listen to me so I can feel emotionally connected to you.”
Both are legitimate relational needs, and both are needed for long-term relational fulfillment.
It’s just as damaging for one spouse to deny the other emotional connection because they don’t enjoy it or don’t perceive they need it themselves.
You can’t build intimacy while refusing to engage with something deeply important to your spouse.
The classic attachment sexual standoff occurs when one person says, “I need sex to feel connected,”and the other says, “I need to feel connected before I want sex.”
The more the sexually pursuing spouse reaches, complains, pressures, or becomes resentful, the more the other spouse feels pressured and withdraws.
The more that spouse withdraws, the more rejected and unwanted the pursuing spouse feels and the less they want to pursue emotional intimacy because it activates their desire to be sexually intimate.
While it’s perceived the fight is about sex, it’s really about attachment.
One person is saying, “Do you want me?”
The other is saying,“Do you care about me beyond what I can give you?”
And underneath both of those questions is often the same fear:
“Do I matter to you?”
That’s why taking sex off the table usually doesn’t solve the underlying problem.
Healthy couples learn to become curious about one another’s needs.
Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t need that,” learn to ask:
“Help me understand why this matters so much to you.”
That conversation can shift the relationship into healing.
Because marriage involves learning to care about what matters to the person we love.
You should always have the right to say no to sex in a particular moment. But there’s a big difference between saying “no” to sex tonight and saying “no” to addressing our sexual relationship.
One is a boundary.
The other can become relational abandonment.
So, if sex has been taken off the table in your relationship, don’t argue about how often you should be having it.
Begin addressing the attachment need by saying something like,
“Your needs matter to me because you matter to me. I may not always be able to meet your need exactly when or how you want—but I won’t dismiss it, shame it, or refuse to talk about it.”
Because sex is a couple’s issue to address. Not one person’s urge to suppress.
Only then can we learn to be physically and emotionally naked with one another.
Resources for Understanding & Renewing Sexual Intimacy
Sex is one of the most difficult topics to address in our newsletters because they’re intended to be brief, which means we simply can’t address every nuance of every relationship dynamic.
Yet, sex is simply a topic too important to avoid. It’s an area almost every couple struggles with at some point in their relationship, because a lot of us bare our bodies in a sexual encounter without ever truly baring our souls.
Have you taken sex off the table in your relationship but know the topic isn’t going away?
Maybe, you’re on the receiving end of being told that “sex is off the table” in your relationship. While that may not be fair, do you know how to build true intimacy?
You also can’t pass on knowledge you don’t have. Maybe, you’re a parent who worries about their kids’ choices but doesn’t know how to even begin taking to them about healthy sexuality.
That’s the reason we created the Six-hour How We Love Sex…or Don’t workshop—to provide the time and space this complex topic deserves. In this workshop recording, Milan and Kay, discuss sexual intimacy from a biblical attachment lens and the dysfunctional sexual propensities of the five insecure love styles. They also teach how a securely attached person approaches sex in a healthy way.
And for an even deeper journey—as well as HUGE SAVINGS—get our HWL Sex or Don’t Bundle ($149). You’ receive the full six-hour How We Love Sex…or Don’t workshop recording as well as six 90-minute webinar recordings on:
Learning to reset the Worlds Sexual Programming
Love Styles and Their Sexual Propensities
Building Trust and Safety in Sexual Relationships
Negotiating Desire Differences
Learning to be Present for a More Satisfying Sex Life
The Male Stargazers Guide to His Wifes Sexual Galaxy
With more than 14 hours of content, it’s less than the cost of one hour of therapy!
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