Signs An Affair Is Brewing

Affairs aren’t solely defined by a kiss or sex. In fact, entangled affairs often begin much more subtly.

There are several stages that typically occur before the physical boundary is ever crossed. Knowing what they are can help you recognize the warning signs early and better guard your marriage against an affair.

1.   Proximity and Connection

It usually starts with a coworker, a friend, someone at the gym, or a person who shares a hobby with you. You enjoy talking to them and the conversation feels easy. They listen and seem to understand you, and you begin to look for each other when in those spaces.

2.   Increased Contact

You start sharing jokes, pictures, memes, songs, or little things that make you think of each other when you’re not with them. You tell yourself, “There’s nothing going on. We’re just friends.”

3.   Personal Disclosure and Emotional Dependence

Slowly, conversations become more personal. You start sharing goals and dreams, then disappointments and struggles—and eventually problems in your marriage. You look forward to hearing from this person and their attention and opinions matter.

Other people may even be noticing now how often you’re spending time with this person, or your spouse might comment that you seem to talk about them a lot.

You may not admit it yet, but it’s at this point that the relationship has crossed into an emotional affair.

When intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional energy that should be protected within your marriage begin being invested in someone else, divided loyalty begins to develop.

4.   Comparison and Secrecy

Now you’ll naturally begin comparing your spouse to this person. Your marriage feels difficult, while the relationship with them feels easy. You may begin fantasizing about what life would be like with them.

And once you begin hiding things—like deleting a text or not mentioning the lunch you had together when your spouse asks you about your day—that’s when it gets really dangerous. Because once honesty disappears in the marriage, temptation sets in.

5.   Acknowledged Attraction

After that, flirting becomes more obvious, and then it’s just a matter of time before one or both acknowledges the sexual tension or disclose feelings.

And once mutual attraction is openly acknowledged, physical boundaries quickly collapse. A spontaneous kiss happens or plans are made to meet for sex.

Many people assume that if nothing physical has happened, betrayal hasn’t occurred. But the emotional intimacy line of betrayal is often crossed long before the relationship ever becomes physical—if that happens at all.

And once discovered a spouse will experience the same betrayal dynamics regardless of whether the relationship became physical or not. A kiss or sex just add to the depth of wound.

And this is why understanding these stages matters.

Because most people don’t usually decide their going to have an affair before looking for their affair partner. It usually happens through a series of small boundary crossings that seem harmless in the moment.

If you notice yourself—or your spouse—in these stages, don’t wait until something physical happens to call it a problem.

Pause and back up. Ask yourself,“What am I getting from this relationship that I’m longing for in my marriage?”

Maybe it’s attention. Appreciation. Affection. Conversation. Encouragement. Feeling desired. Feeling understood.

People often become affair partners because they begin meeting a need that one person perceives is not being met by their spouse.

Next ask, “What might my spouse be missing from me too?” Then bring these answers to your spouse—or get into therapy if you already have and conversations haven’t gone well.

No spouse will meet every need perfectly. But healthy marriages require us to be willing to identify our needs, communicate them clearly, and listen to each other without becoming defensive.

While it might be challenging, learning how to strengthen the places where you’ve become disconnected, is a lot easier than working to recover from an affair.