A “love style” is our word for an attachment style. This is not a personality type or a description of temperament. Rather, a love style reflects the ways we learned to seek connection, protect ourselves from emotional pain, and approach closeness, conflict, and vulnerability in relationships. This is learned from the bond we had with our parents—especially from our earliest experiences. Attachment is relational programming and there is only one secure style. The rest are known as insecure styles and can be traced to the source of problems in adult relationships. When our insecure love style interacts negatively with the insecure love style of another, it results in a repetitive cycle of pain that blocks us from experiencing close emotional connections with those we love the most. You can find out more about the love styles on our webpage about The Love Styles.
A great starting point for understanding the way you learned to love is this question: “Did my parents notice when I was distressed and offer me a listening ear and comfort?” We have asked this question to thousands of people. The disturbing truth is that about 75% of the people we ask can’t recall even one memory of comfort from either parent during times of emotional distress within the first eighteen years of their life. Memories of comfort are a strong indicator that your parents taught you to express feelings, seek connection, and expect relief when you are stressed or upset. Many of us have never stopped to ask, “What exactly did I learn about love from my parents, and how is that impacting my relationships now?” Most parents love their kids but may have not received comfort when they were kids and don’t know how to give it when they become parents. Not understanding your love style can be like an invisible handicap, hindering your ability to form deep bonds in your relationships with your spouse and kids. With a diagnosis, a cure is possible! Take our love-style quiz to go deeper.
It is possible to identify with more than one style. Most people grow up with at least two parents. The relational strategies that worked with one, may not have worked with the other—so we learned to attach with each parent differently. Some people find they have one style at work and another in marriage. People with trauma or difficult childhood experiences often relate to every style in some way because they cycled through various approaches as kids to see what worked, or lived in multiple foster homes with different caregivers. Sadly, no one can adapt successfully to trauma. We suggest you focus on the style that shows up most often in the relationship you most want to change. If you are married, that will likely be your spouse.
Yes, there is one healthy love style: the “Secure Connector.” Ideally, as an adult, you know how to connect emotionally bringing your positive love lessons from childhood into your current relationships. You have memories of comfort, and give and receive comfort easily in your adult relationships. Unfortunately, for many of us, our first lessons in love taught us bad habits or even caused injuries. Even if you describe your childhood as normal and know your parents deeply loved you, they still might not have had the skills to form close emotional connections. Also, no parent is perfect, so even if you did have an overall secure bond with your parent, you will still have some areas to grow in where certain needs went unmet. Insufficient nurture, comfort, and emotional connection results in one of the broken love styles: the Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, or Victim. If we didn’t enter adulthood as a Secure Connector, the good news of attachment research shows we can grow to become a one. We’re here to help you learn how!
In order to create an account, you will need to place an order on the website. When you add a product to the cart and go to the checkout page, you’ll see on the checkout form a place for your to set up your username and password.
HWL Group Study: This is our original study. You purchase the Leader kit, which comes with the videos, a leader guide, and a participant guide, one time only. You have access to it as long as you have your HWL account. The leader guide and the participant guide are digital downloads that you will need to print yourself. The format of the session is a 30–40-minute video segment followed by discussion questions. This was filmed with a live audience in 2018.
The Church Small Group Study: This is our updated study. This version includes updated, studio-recorded videos of Milan and Kay teaching the material specifically designed for a nine-week group format. The videos are available as either a 3-month or 12-month subscription package. You would need to renew this if you wanted it for longer. The participant and leader guides are physical books that you order and have shipped to you. The format of the sessions are 15-20 minute video segments followed by discussion questions or an exercise. This study also includes a short training video for leaders that precedes each week’s lesson, giving additional information and common reactions to look out for from participants. This was filmed in a studio in 2022 and does not have a live audience.
First, read How We Love; or if you are not a reader, you can watch the Streaming Version of the How We Love Workshop. Then complete the How We Love Workbook. This is a separate book that corresponds with the Expanded Version of the book, How We Love (2017). The workbook is designed to guide you on a journey of healing. Our advice is to go slow so you don’t get overwhelmed, but keep going—don’t give up! All growth is uncomfortable and sometimes painful because we have to learn new skills and try new things. Remember, it’s also painful to be stuck in a destructive core pattern in your relationship so we say, “You might as well pick the productive pain and grow!”
Absolutely! We have heard from may single people who have said, “This book helped me understand why my dating relationships always end in the same way.” Divorced people comment, “I wish I had understood this in my first marriage, but at least I know my future relationships can be different.” If you are not a reader, you can watch the streaming version of the How We Love Workshop or go through the Group Curriculum for Singles.
We are asked this question a lot. Keep in mind, you can only change you, so make yourself the focus of change, not your partner. If you begin to grow, your partner and kids will need to relate to the new person you are becoming. As a further step, we suggest giving the book to your partner and asking them to identify what style you most often exhibit or read through just your style. Then, ask them to pick one growth goal from the workbook where they would like you to focus (one that corresponds with your style). Then—do it. We have seen many stubborn spouses soften when their partner takes this powerful self-change approach.
Many therapists and marriage books focus on symptoms—they encourage the couple to “try harder” in order to change these symptoms without ever digging deeper to understand or address the root causes of those symptoms. Understanding your Love Style gives you a diagnosis beyond the external, and a clear view of the source causing your relational difficulties. When you work at the root level, change becomes more powerful and more lasting.
You can find your online videos on your My Account page. This link is also available on the site’s navigation menu as “My Account”. You must be logged in to access your videos. Likewise, your downloads are available on your My Account page. Or you can click on the My Account link in the menu. Once your account page is up, you’ll see a menu on the left-hand side. Click the Downloads tab, and you’ll see your available MP3 downloads there. You must be logged in to access your downloads as the My Account page is only visible to logged in users who have purchase an MP3 or Streaming product from the website.
If you purchased one of our video courses or webinars, you can scroll to the bottom of the My Account page and you’ll see access to all your courses. If you do not see your correct videos, please contact us and we’ll work with you in getting the right videos to appear in your account.
The live webinars will be accessed via a ZOOM link that you will be sent once you purchase the webinar. After the live event is over, we will load the recording of the webinar into your How We Love account, usually within 48 hours. You will then be able to access the recording on your My Account page. You must be logged in to access the webinar replay.