1 Vacillator Tension Builds
The Vacillator’s anxiety/tension begin to build.
- Idealization leads to disappointment
- Becomes preoccupied with relational closeness/distance and ruminates on desired outcomes and past hurts
- Feels abandoned when others differ or separate
- Address problems with complaints rather than requests
- Departure of others triggers abandonment anxiety. Disappointed if reunions are not ideal.
2 Vacillator Vents
The Vacillator vents their frustration and anxiety, assuming their partner’s intent is to hurt them.
3 Pleaser Responds
The Pleaser panics/freezes. They may lie to avoid further conflict, or try to minimize the complaints or put a positive spin on them. The Pleaser believes that the Vacillator should be satisfied by their “niceness”.
4 Vacillator Escalates
The Vacillator feels dismissed & misunderstood. They want “real” not “nice”; truth, not lies. The Vacillator escalates, protesting angrily.
5 Pleaser Attempts to Appease
Anxious about Vacillator’s anger, the Pleaser scurries to do nice things to appease the Vacillator and stem the anger… but does so while avoiding the problem.
6 Vacillator Escalates Further
The Vacillator feels abandoned, which intensifies their feelings. Strong language might be used, they may threaten to leave or divorce. Internally, they begin to devalue their partner and, over time, may feel contempt and disgust for them.
7 Pleaser is Dejected
The Pleaser’s anxiety intensifies and they become frantic. They feel dejected, thinking “I can never do it right!”
8 Vacillator Reflects
Ultimately, the Vacillator’s anxiety is relieved through anger. They may express their displeasure by pouting or sulking. Privately, however, they will review the event and assign motives and intentions to the Avoider’s actions. Eventually, they may privately feel shame over their anger and/or words, and may feel unloveable.
9 Pleaser Waits
The Pleaser waits for the Vacillator to re-engage, and is relieved when they finally do. The Pleaser redoubles their efforts to please, in the hopes of avoiding another outburst.
Eventually, this cycle starts all over again or destroys the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle
If you are ready to break this destructive cycle, consider taking a look at the following offerings.
Core Pattern: Vacillator + Pleaser (Audio Download)$29.99
This one hour download provides an in-depth look at Vacillator-Pleaser Core Pattern. It includes a downloadable PDF, which includes a circular diagram of this Core Pattern, explanations and all applicable interventions to exit this destructive dance.
Core Pattern: Vacillator + Pleaser (Audio CD)$39.99
Your core pattern is the enemy, not your mate! This 1 hour CD provides an in-depth look at Vacillator-Pleaser Core Pattern. It includes a downloadable PDF, which includes a circular diagram of this Core Pattern, explanations and all applicable interventions to exit the core pattern. (See product description for more details).
How We Love (Book)$11.99
NEW EXPANDED EDITION released July 15, 2017
In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage.
How We Love Workbook$11.99
Make your How We Love journey easier with the How We Love Workbook. This book is a helpful companion to the new 2017 edition of the How We Love book provides practical, solution-focused tools for building a stronger, more passionate marriage, including guidance, plans, and assessments geared towards healing and improving your relationship.