Have you ever noticed that when a person uses a “but” right after you’ve shared something, it can feel invalidating?
“I hear you, but…”
“I understand, but…”
“Yeah, but…”
What happens to everything that came before the “but”?
It almost disappears.
When a Vacillator falls in love, they fall quickly and deeply.
Why? Because Vacillators are relational idealists.
As children, they experienced connection that was inconsistent—an emotionally or physically unavailable parent. One who is either warm and engaging one moment, then distant the next. Or one who just isn’t around all the time.
Have you ever noticed that people don’t usually break an unhealthy relationship pattern because they finally understand their problem? They do so only once they’ve become exhausted by it.
There’s a saying we often use in therapy: People change when the cost of staying the same exceeds the cost of change.
When you get upset is your default response to tell the other person that you’re feeling “frustrated”?
Last week, in one of my therapy sessions the husband (recovering Pleaser) shared with his wife (recovering Vacillator) that he’s confused what she needs from him when she’s upset.
There’s a concept in risk-management called the “Swiss cheese effect.” Each slice of cheese represents a layer of protection. The holes represent vulnerabilities. Catastrophe happens when the holes in multiple layers suddenly align at the wrong time and something falls through without being caught.
Relationships often work the same way.
Last summer, Amy and I took a trip to England, and I invited her to literally take a walk down my memory lane. We went back to the neighborhood in London where I grew up, which I hadn’t been back to in almost 30 years.
It was a surreal experience.
Last weekend, and over the last couple of weeks, Marc and I have enjoyed spending time and sharing food with neighbors, many of whom are from different countries.
We’ve been taking turns hosting “watch” parties for the World Cup games.
One thing I love is hearing people’s stories.
Last Sunday was Father’s Day. While many celebrated their fathers, for some it was a painful reminder of a relationship that is strained, absent, or estranged.
More people today find themselves estranged from family because of unresolved conflicts. The truth is most people who estrange themselves from loved ones don’t actually want to be estranged.
Last Sunday was Father’s Day. While many celebrated their fathers, for some it was a painful reminder of a relationship that is strained, absent, or estranged.
More people today find themselves estranged from family because of unresolved conflicts. The truth is most people who estrange themselves from loved ones don’t actually want to be estranged.
Last week I went for my first eye exam in years. My close vision is still pretty good, but I’ve started noticing that reading small text at a distance is getting harder.
The eye doctor told me that’s completely normal. She said everyone’s eyesight changes with age.