Sometimes, there’s a good reason one spouse doesn’t want to be physically naked with the other.
If there’s been betrayal, abuse, untreated addiction, significant relational wounding without repentance, or coercion to do a specific sex act that is uncomfortable, sexual intimacy may need to pause while trust is rebuilt.
Have you ever noticed that when a person uses a “but” right after you’ve shared something, it can feel invalidating?
“I hear you, but…”
“I understand, but…”
“Yeah, but…”
What happens to everything that came before the “but”?
It almost disappears.
When a Vacillator falls in love, they fall quickly and deeply.
Why? Because Vacillators are relational idealists.
As children, they experienced connection that was inconsistent—an emotionally or physically unavailable parent. One who is either warm and engaging one moment, then distant the next. Or one who just isn’t around all the time.
Have you ever noticed that people don’t usually break an unhealthy relationship pattern because they finally understand their problem? They do so only once they’ve become exhausted by it.
There’s a saying we often use in therapy: People change when the cost of staying the same exceeds the cost of change.
When you get upset is your default response to tell the other person that you’re feeling “frustrated”?
Last week, in one of my therapy sessions the husband (recovering Pleaser) shared with his wife (recovering Vacillator) that he’s confused what she needs from him when she’s upset.
There’s a concept in risk-management called the “Swiss cheese effect.” Each slice of cheese represents a layer of protection. The holes represent vulnerabilities. Catastrophe happens when the holes in multiple layers suddenly align at the wrong time and something falls through without being caught.
Relationships often work the same way.