Freedom May Be Given, but Secure Attachment Is Earned

Last weekend, and over the last couple of weeks, Marc and I have enjoyed spending time and sharing food with neighbors, many of whom are from different countries. We’ve been taking turns hosting “watch” parties for the World Cup games.

One thing I love is hearing people’s stories. Many of our neighbors—and Marc, too—weren’t born in the United States. They left behind everything familiar, learned a new culture, adapted to a different way of life, and patiently walked through the long process of becoming American citizens. Their US citizenship wasn’t simply given to them. It was something they pursued through sacrifice, perseverance, and commitment.

My story is different.

I was born in middle America (Missouri). I didn’t do anything to earn my citizenship—I inherited it. It was a gift given to me the day I was born.

That contrast has made me think about attachment.

The attachment style we learn growing up is assigned to us from the environment and family connections we’re born into.

Unlike my citizenship, I didn’t inherit secure attachment. Instead, I inherited many insecure relationship patterns from my family of origin. Ones that kept me from experiencing the closeness and security I longed for.

Growing toward secure attachment has been much more like my many neighbors’ journey to citizenship than my own experience of being born here.

It has required learning a new way of relating. A new language of vulnerability, empathy, repair, and connection. At times it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar. But over time, those new skills are becoming more natural. I’m earning it slowly, but surely.

This Independence Day, I’m grateful not only for the freedoms I inherited as an American, but also for the freedom God offers each of us through growth. Our brains our designed for secure attachment, but if that doesn’t happen in childhood, God has designed the brain to remain neuroplastic so we can earn secure attachment in adulthood.

However, in adulthood, we must now overcome any insecure foundations that have already been laid. We do that by:

• Choosing curiosity instead of criticism

• Staying engaged instead of shutting down

• Repairing after conflict instead of disconnecting

When we do this hard work, we overcome the old patterns.

That kind of freedom isn’t just given to you with no effort required. It’s earned.

And I’ve found that it’s worth every step of the journey!

—Amy