Are You Using the Wrong Relationship Playbook?

Most people know I’m a therapist, but you may not know that I’m also a diehard Liverpool Football Club fan (that’s English soccer).

Over the weekend, Liverpool announced they were firing their head coach after only two years.

Now, coaching changes happen all the time in professional sports. What made this one interesting is that this coach led Liverpool to a league championship in his very first season—a feat only a handful of coaches in the league’s history had accomplished. It was also only Liverpool’s second title in 35 years.

This season, expectations were even higher. The club added two of the most coveted players in the world, and most believed they would become even more dominant.

Instead, the opposite happened.

The coach struggled to integrate the players to adapt to his preferred style of play. The team underperformed, chemistry suffered, and they finished fifth.

Then there’s Liverpool’s biggest rival, Manchester United.

Now, this is the part that hurts me… Liverpool are the joint most successful team in England along with Manchester United—both have 20 titles. Their rivalry is like the Yankees and the Red Sox, or Michigan State and Ohio State.

While Liverpool won the title last season, Manchester United finished 15th last season—their worst league finish in over 50 years. This season they began poorly again. However, they changed their coach mid-season and ended up improving their performances so much that they finished 3rd—which few would’ve predicted.

Same players. Different coach.

This got me thinking about relationships.

You can have incredibly talented players, yet every sports fan knows that talent alone doesn’t guarantee success. If the coaching approach isn’t working, the entire team struggles.

The players may have individual skill, but without the right strategy and leadership, they don’t perform at their best together.

And that’s what struck me.

In my therapy office, I meet couples every week who are a lot like those talented players.

They’re good people.

They’re loving people.

They’re capable people.

Many of them genuinely want a healthy, secure, connected relationship.

The potential is there. But potential by itself isn’t enough.

Most couples don’t fail because they lack individual capability. They struggle because they lack a clear strategy to grow together.

Good relationships are intentionally built, not fortunately found. Meaning, they don’t happen by accident—they happen on purpose.

The reality is that relationships don’t naturally drift toward intimacy. They drift toward distance unless there’s intentional partnership and structure to counter that.

When there is no plan for growth or repair, couples drift apart.

Not because either person is bad, but because nobody has shown them how to grow their relationship toward connection.

That’s the reason I love attachment work.

It’s not just telling people to try harder.

It’s helping them see the patterns that keep them stuck so they can learn the skills that create safety, connection, and security.

Through understanding your attachment style, you can see where things are going wrong and learn to grow into a more secure attachment style.

In team sports, a coach provides a vision, a game plan, and a system that allows talented players to be successful together.

Healthy relationships need the same for both people to thrive together.

So, if your relationship feels stuck, don’t automatically assume the potential is gone.

Sometimes the issue isn’t capability, but strategy.

Often what’s needed isn’t a different partner, but a different approach to growing the relationship.

And the good news about attachment research is that can be learned!