This is a common question in couples therapy, and one you may be wondering about too. But let’s be honest—when someone asks me, “How often should we be having sex?”, there’s more under that question than wanting to know just numbers.
Usually, what they’re really saying is:
- I think my wife’s withholding, and that’s unfair, or
- I think my husband’s sex drive is out of control
We all have a biological sex drive, and it varies by individual. So instead of asking, “What’s normal?” we should begin with:
- What is each partner’s desired frequency?
- Is that within a typical, healthy range?
Yes, some people naturally have a higher sex drive than others—regardless of gender. But with the constant stream of sexual content in the world around us, many men have inflated their expectations by overfeeding their appetites with porn, distorting their view of what real intimacy is—which is more than just sex.
On the other hand, if your sex drive feels nonexistent, it might be time to reflect on some deeper questions:
- What emotional or biological shifts am I undergoing?
- Is there unresolved trauma, disconnection, or stress affecting me—or us?
👥 The Most Common Dynamic
The most common sexual frustration dynamic between a couple is:
A husband wanting more frequent sex and a wife pulling away.
Usually, because of a mismatch in how desire works between the genders:
- A man’s drive tends to be more physical and often active regardless of the emotional environment.
- A women’s drive tends to be more emotional, increasing when they feel secure, known, and connected in the relationship.
This isn’t always true—but most frequently the breakdown occurs when a husband expects physical connection without emotional investment.
💬 Why Conversations About Sex Are So Hard
Differences in sex drives are normal—But talking honestly about those differences is less common.
Because conversations about sex quickly trigger shame, fear, resentment, or blame, instead of talking, many people avoid, accuse, or pretend and silently go along with what they’re not comfortable with.
But healthy sexual relationships are built on openness and good faith negotiation at times, not silent suffering.
Whether it’s unresolved sexual trauma, porn use, medical issues, biological changes, or emotional distance—sexual struggles are a couple’s issue.
I recognize that many people have been wounded by a spouse and may be resistant to this next comment, but if your spouse is struggling in one of these areas, you shouldn’t expect them to fix it alone. That mindset isolates rather than heals or unifies.
That doesn’t mean there’s no personal accountability—This is absolutely necessary.
But true healing requires both people to be engaged—not for one to police the other so they do their part—but to understand struggles and offer support. And that takes a willingness to engage in a real conversation.
🤔 What’s the Answer Then?
If sex is a struggle in your relationship, learn how to do the Comfort Circle—This is a structured conversation where you take turns to really listen and understand your spouse’s pain.
Comfort Circle question starters:
- What does sex mean to each of us?
- What helps each of us feel emotionally safe and sexually open?
- Are there any unresolved wounds, habits, or patterns getting in the way?
- How can we become allies—not adversaries—in healing and growing together?
The “right” amount of sex is the frequency that brings mutual satisfaction, emotional safety, and a sense of intimacy—not obligation.
You don’t need to match the world’s standards.
You just need to be honest, connected, and work together.
❤️ Need More Help Navigating Sex & Intimacy?
We’ve created several in-depth resources to help you better understand your relationship with sex—whether you’re in a partnership or working through your own healing.
How We Love Our Sex… Or Don’t Bundle
A curated collection to get you started at a discount.
How We Love Our Sex… Or Don’t Workshop Recording
Our foundational video workshop that unpacks emotional wiring, sexual expectations, and why so many couples feel disconnected in bed.
Learning to Reset the World’s Sexual Programming
90-minute replay
Unlearn cultural lies and replace them with truth, healing, and relational clarity.
Love Styles and Their Sexual Propensities
90-minute replay
Discover how your attachment style impacts your sexual patterns—and what to do about it.
Building Trust and Safety in Sexual Relationships
90-minute replay
Practical tools to rebuild emotional and sexual safety—especially after betrayal, trauma, or long-term disconnect.
Negotiating Sexual Desire Differences
90-minute replay
How to navigate when one of you wants more (or less) sex—and how to reach healthy compromise without shame or pressure.
Learning to Be Present for a More Satisfying Sex Life
90-minute replay
Explore how mindfulness, emotional presence, and self-awareness change everything in the bedroom.
The Male Stargazer’s Guide to His Wife’s Sexual Galaxy
90-minute replay
An insightful deep dive for men who want to understand their wives’ emotional and sexual needs on a deeper level.
The Male Stargazer’s Guide to His Wife’s Sexual Galaxy eBook
An eBook to help men understand why sexual struggles exist and how to eliminate the sexual tension and hostility that invades many marriages. Get this eBook FREE when you purchase the accompanying webinar!
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
