It’s often said that the top things couples fight about are the big four:
💸 Money ❤️ Sex 👶 Parenting 🧹 Division of household chores
This might lead you to believe that if you just came to an agreement on these things, then arguments would stop.
People argue most over these topics because these are the topics couples spend most time talking about. Dr. John Gottman—one of the world’s leading marriage researchers—says the #1 thing couples fight about is… “Nothing!”
Yes. And I see it all the time in therapy.
Couples bicker about parking spots.
About who chooses the restaurant.
About who made them late. (Confession: Amy and I used to do this all the time.)
The real problem isn’t the topic.
It’s how we talk to each other.
People get into arguments because they lead with complaints, criticisms, and blaming. They say things like:
- “You always do that…”
- “You never do this…”
- “I can’t believe you are so selfish!”
What we have learned is, more than the topic or situation itself, what matters most is how partners respond to negative emotions and how they give feedback to one another.
💬 The Comfort Circle: A Game-Changer For Couples
Every couple has a core conflict pattern—and believe it or not, it’s predictable.
Here’s why: We all carry emotional triggers—wounds from before we even met our partner. When these get activated, we go into fight-or-flight-or-freeze. That’s when our histories collide… and conflict follows a familiar script.
This is what creates a couple’s core pattern.
🔄 Enter: The Comfort Circle
This simple but powerful tool helps couples connect in a deeper, safer way—especially during conflict.
Here are the 4 steps:
- Seek Awareness: Understand what’s being triggered in you—before reacting.
- Engage: Choose to stay emotionally present with your partner.
- Explore: Get curious. Ask questions to uncover what’s really going on.
- Resolve to Bring Comfort and Relief: Let the goal be empathy—not agreement. Offer reassurance and understanding.
I’ve taken countless couples through it, and watched them turn conflict into connection!
💑 The Couple’s Bundle
To simplify your journey toward deeper connection and secure love, we’ve created the Couples Bundle—packed with our most powerful tools, including our #1 best-selling resource: The Private Couples Study—all for over 50% off the regular price when purchased separately.
This bundle walks you through the three essential steps to build a securely attached, emotionally healthy relationship:
Step 1: Understand Your Attachment Love Styles
Discover the roots of your relational patterns—and how they shape your connection today.
Step 2: Identify Your Core Pattern
Learn how your love styles collide—and create the recurring conflict cycles you both get stuck in.
Step 3: Master the Comfort Circle
Replace conflict with connection using our proven tool for emotional safety, healing, and empathy.
All this for less than the cost of a single therapy session!
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
