Are You Stuck in the Vacillator-Avoider Core Pattern?

Did you know the most common core pattern that brings couples to therapy is the Vacillator-Avoider dynamic?

It’s also the most common pattern people purchase, so if this resonates with you—you’re not alone.

Let’s break it down…

💘 Attraction and Background for This Pattern

But underneath that attraction, there’s a painful cycle waiting to begin.

The Vacillator’s wound is created by an inconsistent connection with a parent in childhood—the connection was unpredictable, leaving them anxious about when it would happen again.

While Avoiders often grew up in homes where emotional attention and nurturing were minimal or absent, leading them to suppress emotions and rely only on themselves.

So, when these two meet, it seems like a perfect fit—but over time, as the relationship progresses, their different emotional styles expose their wounds—and conflict begins.

💬 The Vacillator-Avoider Conflict Cycle

Most often, the Vacillator is the female and the Avoider the male in this dynamic, though it’s not always the case. Either way, here’s how the predictable pattern plays out:

Vacillator feels disconnected → they express it through complaints or criticism.
Avoider feels attacked → they withdraw emotionally or become defensive.
Vacillator feels even more unheard and unsupported → they criticize more.
Avoider shuts down further and distances → cycle deepens.

Vacillators criticize because they feel invisible, unappreciated, or rejected.

Avoiders go silent because they feel they can’t win or are never “good enough.”

While the Vacillator’s desire for closeness is not a bad thing, often the drive is to relieve their anxiety of abandonment or rejection.

And the Avoider pulls back when emotions run high because they had no training on recognizing and managing their feelings—they learned to dismiss their emotions, so they do this with others too.

📌 An Important Truth:

Criticism is not a good motivator. Even when your needs are valid, it will not improve a relationship.

At the same time, true relational intimacy only occurs through the sharing of emotions with one another—so emotional competency, vulnerability, and willingness to engage is needed from both partners.

The cycle will not end by waiting for your partner to change.

Growth occurs when you can learn to see your part in it and do something about it!