When Trauma Enters the Marriage Bed

With Valentine’s Day just behind us—and all the cultural pressure that often comes with it—let’s tackle a difficult but important topic: sexual abuse and its impact on sex and intimacy.

When one person carries a history of sexual abuse, it often presents in painful and confusing ways in marriage.

For many wives who have experienced sexual trauma, physical intimacy can trigger memories stored in the body—even when the mind deeply desires connection. Trauma can create pain associations, emotional flooding, numbness, or a general shutdown during sexual encounters. What is meant to be bonding can instead feel overwhelming or unsafe.

Husbands may feel confused, rejected, blamed, or even as though they are the ones causing harm. Some men describe feeling robbed, helpless, or unsure how to respond to their wives. Others may be completely unaware of the deeper wound being activated if their wife hasn’t yet felt safe enough to share her story.

We also know men are victims of sexual abuse, too.

Many men carry sexual trauma in silence. Shame often tells them to minimize it, deny it, or “move on.” Cultural messages can make it even harder for men to name what happened to them. Sexual trauma in men can show up as avoidance of intimacy, compulsive sexual behavior, emotional shutdown, or anger.

Shame thrives in secrecy—but healing requires bringing wounds into a safe relationship.

When sex is impacted by trauma in a relationship, it’s not the wounded person’s problem to manage alone—but for the couple to heal together.

Wounding Occurs in Relationship—But So Does Healing

While giving time and space is often necessary for the wounded person to feel ready, healing requires more than just time. It requires intention.

Safety is the catalyst for bonding.

Revealing sexual abuse requires profound trust and vulnerability. If a spouse feels emotionally safe enough to share these deep wounds—and the other can hold space without defensiveness, minimizing, or rushing to fix—something begins to heal.

Particularly, when a husband responds with compassion instead of pressure, and when he prioritizes his wife’s sense of safety over his own frustration… The attachment bond strengthens.

For the wounded spouse, healing often involves working through trauma with professional support, reconnecting with the body, and allowing new, safe experiences of touch to gradually replace old fear associations.

For the supporting spouse, healing often means grieving what feels lost, managing feelings of rejection without turning them into blame, and choosing patience as an act of love.

If sexual trauma is part of your story, you are not broken—and you are not alone. What happened to you was not your fault, and healing is possible.

Resources for Understanding & Renewing Sexual Intimacy

Maybe this newsletter is the prompt you need to begin your healing journey or initiate the conversation with your spouse.

Even if abuse is not part of your story, many couples get stuck sexually.

Our ‘How We Love Sex… Or Don’t’ bundle can help you get started if you’re stuck in this area.

It’s a curated bundle of resources discounted to $129! — less than the cost of one private therapy session.

Marc also partnered with Utah State University on their Stronger Marriage Connection podcast with an episode titled: “How Attachment Shapes Desire, Arousal and Closeness.”
Now available to watch!