The New Year always seems to take me by surprise.
There’s such a huge buildup to Christmas—and then suddenly, the New Year hits, and it’s all over. Everything resets, and we’re back at the beginning again.
Budgets renew at work.
We start planning the next 12 months—trips, spending, and family goals.
And for many people, this also means planning to change themselves.
“New year, new person.”
Be less angry. Lose weight. Give up that addiction. End that relationship.
And yet, the statistics tell a sobering story:
- 38.5% of U.S. adults set New Year’s resolutions every year
- 23% quit in the first week
- 43% fail before February
- By the end of the year, only 9% successfully keep their resolutions
So why is change so hard?
And more importantly, what actually helps?
Here are three steps that can make a difference.
1. Deeply understand why you want to change
More specifically, we need to ask a harder question: How did I get here in the first place?
If we don’t know how we got here, how will we know the way out or prevent relapse?
In addiction recovery, sobriety is not the ultimate goal. Sobriety simply removes the crutch so the real work can begin.
For years, I knew I was reactive and needed to slow myself down. I made promises to myself:
“I’ll fix this by the time I’m 30.” Then, “I’ll fix this by the time I’m 35.”
I knew what was wrong—but I didn’t know why things kept going wrong.
It wasn’t until I read How We Love that everything clicked.
I realized my past was impacting my present.
My childhood had shaped me in specific ways. I had developed self-protective coping strategies—blaming, devaluing, protesting, detaching—that were triggered from core emotional wounds.
Once I understood my triggers and reactivity patterns, I finally understood why it was happening.
I didn’t instantly change—but I finally had a path for growth.
2. Give your resolution time to become a habit
Consider lifestyle changes, not just something to quit or a goal to reach.
It’s okay to have goals—but lasting change usually happens through daily practices, not sheer willpower.
When you focus on lifestyle change, missing a goal doesn’t mean failure. It simply means you’re still learning.
3. Build in accountability
Change doesn’t happen in isolation. Consider using recovery principles:
- Accountability from others, so you don’t quietly drop out
- A group that shares your goal and encourages you
- Understanding that relapse is part of recovery—which keeps small failures from turning into total surrender
- And yes—get into therapy
More specifically, get into therapy with someone who takes a historical approach and helps you uncover the core emotional wounds from your past that still drive your present reactions.
As you think about what you want to change this year, consider this as your true starting point:
Don’t just ask what you want to change.
Ask how you got here.
And take courage—we’re here to walk alongside you as you adopt your lasting lifestyle changes this year.
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
