Recently, I’ve been working on something I call my “conflict resolution interval”—the time it takes for me to shift from a dysregulated state after a tough interaction with another person, to initiating repair.
I don’t mean smoothing things over by “pleasing and appeasing” to make the discomfort disappear like the Pleaser does.
Or disconnecting from emotions to “get over it” and escape the sting of disappointment like an Avoider.
I’m talking about self-soothing so I can initiate a conversation that gets to the heart of the hurt. One that offers an apology if needed, but ultimately creates closeness on the other side by each person feeling seen and known by the end.
Family, Imprints & Real-Life Practice
A few weeks ago, I got plenty of chances to practice this while visiting family in Missouri.
But by being aware of my Vacillator imprint, this helped me notice the inner pull I still have—wanting connection to be easy and natural—and expecting others to just know what I need.
Growing up, conversations in my home typically weren’t about mutual understanding.
They were often about getting your point across—seeking to be understood, rather than seeking to understand.
I didn’t do things perfectly during my visit, but I leaned into the Comfort Circle framework and took on the listener role more intentionally than I have done in the past.
Did I have 100% success? No—Some family members weren’t ready to engage in repair with me.
Was it progress for me? Absolutely.
I have this theory that the more reactive you are, the longer it will take you to reach a resolution. So, my goal is to become less reactive.
I’m working on this by identifying my triggers and taking responsibility for how I respond to them. As a result, I’m noticing my conflict resolution interval is shortening.
And that’s gives me hope that earned security is possible for me.
Your Turn: Reflect With Me
So, here’s my question for you:
- What’s your conflict resolution interval these days?
- Do you know what emotional wounds get in the way of repair for you?
- What helps you self-soothe and return to connection more quickly?
I know it’s not easy to initiate a conversation to repair after a relational rupture.
🤝 It’s vulnerable, and it takes practice.
❤️ But the reward is relational healing and a deeper connection.
And once you become aware of your triggers and reactive patterns, you can identify your growth goals—and practice leaning into them.
Like me, you won’t be perfect at it—No one is.
But when you start offering yourself grace by seeing your emotional wounds, you’ll find it easier to extend grace to others by seeing theirs.
And that’s more likely to draw you back into connection.
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
