Let’s talk about history. No, not world history, but people’s history—your history!
History matters in so many areas of our lives:
- When you go to a new doctor, what’s the first thing they ask for? Your medical history.
- Buying or selling a car? The buyer wants the vehicle’s accident history, while the dealership checks the buyer’s credit history.
- Need car insurance? The insurance company wants to know your driving history.
- Applying for a job? Employers want to see your work history (hello, résumé!).
Okay, so with all this focus on history for so many important decisions, isn’t it interesting how little time we spend exploring our own personal or relationship history—or that of others?
Many people prepare more for buying a car than choosing a spouse.
And yet, who we choose to spend our life with is arguably the most important decision most people ever make.
Before making a commitment, we rarely stop to ask:
- What was your childhood like?
- What relationship patterns are you bringing with you?
Wouldn’t it be so much easier if people came with a relationship history report—like a CarFax?
Since they don’t, we must learn to ask the right questions.
And not just about previous romantic partners (though that matters).
We need to ask about their childhood. That’s where the original patterns begin.
What were their family dynamics? These are lessons the person learned on how to attach to others.
And we need to consider these same questions for ourselves.
Because if you don’t own your history… it will own you.
Unexamined triggers and unresolved patterns don’t just disappear with no work on our part. They run the show—often hidden behind the curtain (even from the person)—and then we end up blaming others for our reactivity when it’s actually a trigger rooted in our past.
In therapy, I regularly ask people:
- “What feelings or beliefs came up for you in that situation?”
- “And when in your life have you felt that way before?”
It’s remarkable how often people identify a moment from childhood or adolescence—which has become an emotional blueprint they’re still reacting from. Their current reactions mirror how they learned to manage their emotions back then.
There’s a quote attributed to Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist known for his work in understanding unconscious drives in humans. It says:
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”
History always has an outcome.
Whether you ask about it or not, it tends to repeat—until you recognize it and choose to do something about it.
Because understanding the past is the key to unlocking growth, healing, and healthier relationships.
So, the next time you find yourself reacting strongly to someone—or stuck in a pattern you don’t like—ask yourself:
What’s the emotional backstory here?
If you don’t like the reactions you’re getting, find a therapist or emotionally safe person who can help you explore your history.
And if you’re entering a new relationship, don’t be afraid to ask the deeper questions about their past.
How your relationships unfold will ultimately depend on your ability to explore history!
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
