Well, my book officially releases TODAY—and I want to share with you why I wrote this book.
For many years, I was aware of reactions in myself that I didn’t like from ways I’d get triggered by things that felt bigger than the moment. Yet, I didn’t understand why certain things bothered me so deeply, or how to actually stop reacting the way I did, even though I was trying. I was raised in a Christian home, so I knew what God says about how we are to treat one another, but what I didn’t know was how my childhood home had shaped me with very specific—and very common—attachment wounds. That was until I read How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich.
When I read about the Vacillator attachment style, I was stunned. It described me in words I did not have for myself, yet instantly recognized as true. It also described the conflict pattern my wife, Amy, and I were stuck in—and described secure attachment, the place where relationships heal and thrive.
Around that same time, I was switching careers to become a therapist, so I looked up Milan and Kay, and when I saw they lived in Southern California like me, I reached out to see if I could work for them. There’s a longer story about that in the book, but the short version is—they hired me!
Finally, I knew what the problem was and what I needed to aim for, but insight and awareness still weren’t enough. My emotional triggers and reactivity patterns had been deeply ingrained in me for decades. Even though How We Love outlines the Comfort Circle, a healing process couples can do together, I struggled do the work because lifelong habits are incredibly difficult to break.
I needed to know the daily practices that would create a secure attachment in me. After all, how could I help others as a therapist if I hadn’t been on the path of growth myself? That realization set me on a deeper mission to understand the growth process for an individual.
Through studying the research, doing my own internal work, and walking others through this process, I’ve noticed consistent patterns each attachment style has with emotional triggers, reactivity, and resistance that keep them from growing.
My book is designed as a practical manual to guide an individual through the process of what research calls “earned secure attachment.”
It’s divided into three parts:
- Developing Insight—The way we’re wired to bond, what attachment is, and how it shapes us.
- Becoming Aware— A detailed look at each attachment style so the reader can clearly self-identify with theirs and learn what secure attachment looks like
- Show Up to Practice— The daily, specific practices that help reshape your attachment style to become more secure.
When you engage in this reconditioning process, you heal your emotional wounds. Your triggers reduce in intensity, thereby reducing your reactivity. And you begin showing up with more stability and empathy in all your relationships—which enhances connection.
Humans have the longest phase with a parent of any animal on the planet. There’s a reason for that: God created attachment! And attachment research and neuroscience affirm our design for secure relationships with one another.
My book isn’t just for couples. It’s for anyone—single, married, dating, divorced, or even those whose spouse is unwilling to grow. Because when you become more secure, you create a different relational environment—one that invites others to join you in a secure relationship.
So don’t stay stuck as I did. There’s a way out of reactivity. And by understanding your attachment style, you too can learn how!
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
