There’s a church near where we live that has local artists depict the story of Jesus’ crucifixion using the stations of the cross. As I walked through in silent reflection last week, one piece along with the corresponding scripture stuck out to me about what Jesus didn’t do.
Jesus told Peter during his arrest:
“Or do you think that I cannot now pray to My Father, and He will provide Me with more than twelve legions of angels?” (Matthew 26:53)
He had the power to end the suffering and escape the pain at any time—but He didn’t.
Not because it was easy for Him. But because it was necessary to create a path to healing and reconciliation for us.
Yes, He was the Son of God and could do all things—but before His ministry began, Jesus faced temptation in the desert, where He was offered an easier path but resisted. He’d been practicing facing hard things for three years to prepare Himself by the time He got to the cross.
I often say, if growth were easy, we’d all be doing it already.
The truth is, most of us struggle with growth because our instinct is to protect ourselves from discomfort in the way we’ve learned from our families of origin.
But maladaptive patterns keep us stuck.
Real growth and healing come when we face something hard and push through. It strengthens us for the next challenge. And that’s how we develop resiliency.
How Each Love Style Resists the “Hard Thing”
Each insecure attachment style has its own way of stepping away from discomfort:
Avoiders withdraw emotionally or physically to avoid vulnerability and needing others
The hard thing: staying present by learning to identify and share vulnerable feelings to receive support when they’re facing hard things.
Pleasers fixate on others’ needs at the expense of neglecting their own The hard thing: being honest to express their needs and tolerating disapproval when others feel disappointed.
Vacillators so long for connection they become critical or reactive when disappointed or when fearful the connection will go away The hard thing: tolerating imperfection and learning to listen to others in the way they want to be listened to.
Controllers manage anxiety by taking charge and dominating others The hard thing: surrendering control and grieving their past to develop empathy for themselves and others.
Victims feel overwhelmed and helpless to change their situation The hard thing: stepping into agency and empowerment by finding safe people and getting support.
How Secure Attachments Face Challenge
A securely attached person doesn’t avoid difficulty—they move toward it with support.
• They stay present in uncomfortable conversations
• They express needs honestly and respectfully
• They tolerate imperfection in themselves and others
• They take responsibility for their part
• They allow themselves to be both strong and vulnerable
They don’t do this perfectly, but they are willing—and they build upon multiple experiences so they can get back up and keep trying.
That willingness is what creates resiliency.
Ready to Take a Step Toward Resiliency?
Resiliency isn’t something you’re either born with or not—it’s something that’s built over time, in safe relationships, and through intentional choices.
Growth is a choice, but so is stagnation.
If you choose to remain an Avoider, Pleaser, Vacillator, Controller, or Victim—expect to have the problems those attachment styles have!
Only secure attachments, attach securely.
Growth also requires a plan. No one grows unintentionally.
If you discovered HWL because you are a couple struggling, check out our Couple’s Bundle or our How We Love Sex… Or Don’t Bundle. These are tailored packages of our resources to get you on the path to healing—all for about the cost of a single therapy session.
If you came to us because you know you need to focus on your own healing, check out our Growth Goals Audios. These offer practical steps to begin reconditioning all for about what you’d pay for lunch—but will feed you for much longer.
And if you’re a parent needing help, see our Parenting Bundle and learn how to create secure attachment in your children.
Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
