Is Pain Lurking in Your Future?

Last Wednesday afternoon I started one of my therapy sessions hoping to help a couple with their problems, but instead they ended up helping me far more—by getting me to the hospital.

About halfway through the session, I began experiencing increasing pain on my left flank, and within a few minutes I was on the floor in so much pain I almost threw up and passed out.

Fortunately, I had a CT scan a few months ago for another issue, and they had identified a small kidney stone back then that had not yet moved. So, when the symptoms came on, I strongly suspected what was happening, even though I briefly tried to convince myself this wasn’t the case.

I’d been wondering when the pain might come and what it would feel like.

If you’ve never had the experience, the pain is often compared to childbirth labor!

The episode lasted about 10 minutes and then I was able to stand and get into their car to be taken to the ER. After waiting two hours to be seen, the doctor told me no stone showed up on the CT scan, and since I was no longer in pain he assumed I must have passed it during that moment.

That sounded like the best-case scenario to me. While the pain of the episode had been excruciating, it didn’t last too long, and I was being told by a physician it was all over.

I so desperately wanted what the doctor was telling me to be true—that even though my body didn’t feel quite right—I convinced myself he must be correct because he was the expert and imaging is conclusive.

However, sure enough, I had another episode just a few hours later at 4 a.m. —and this one lasted for two hours!

Amy drove me back to the ER, where I waited another two hours to be seen without any medication and wailing in agony.

I then spent the next few days hospitalized as doctors tried to find the elusive kidney stone. Eventually, I needed a surgical scope procedure to locate and remove it… but not before several more excruciating attacks.

Many people I counsel have pain in their future that they don’t yet see. Sometimes it appears briefly and then fades, giving the illusion that the problem has passed. But problems left unaddressed, often return as a something much bigger.

For some, it’s an unhealthy relationship they can’t let go of with an abuser, manipulator, or cheater.

For others, it’s an addiction they refuse to admit or an affair double-life they think they can live.

Some are stuck in codependency, repeatedly bailing out a family member only for that person’s problems to get worse because they are not learning responsibility for their own life’s outcome’s.

We all can be susceptible to convincing ourselves that the best path in the current moment is the easiest one. But eventually, the stone always drops—causing more suffering than if we had dealt with it before it snowballed.

Even when we refuse to admit reality, consequences still apply.

Securely attached individuals get things wrong too. But they admit reality and make adjustments. They have the ability to learn from other people’s mistakes—not just their own. And they use hindsight to develop insight so they can benefit from foresight.

Because true growth only occurs when we are willing to face hard things.

Sometimes, in therapy I’ll ask someone to consider what advice they would give if a good friend was in their situation. What I find is most people know what hard steps need to be taken when they examine their circumstances this way.

So, here is my question for you:

What’s the hard thing you’re avoiding that is likely to lead to great pain if left unaddressed?

If you’re not sure where to start identifying it, look at the growth goals for your attachment style.

Our Love Styles Quiz at HowWeLove.com helps thousands of people each month gain clarity about the patterns driving their relationships and the steps they can take to grow.

Insight is often the first step toward preventing unnecessary pain later.