If Only Life Had an Undo Button

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we had an “undo” button so we could quickly go back and fix mistakes—or a time machine so we could avoid traumatic events or change outcomes we wish turned out differently.

Last week, I found myself wishing for one of the two.

We had an issue with our attachment quiz. After installing some updates the system malfunctioned—sending out several hundred inaccurate results before we realized what had happened. This triggered an automated email campaign for each quiz-taker tied to the wrongly assigned love style, and once it started, it could not be easily undone.

We reset everything back to how it was and tried to make the update again on a different day—but got the same result. Eventually, we had to inactivate the quiz for a few hours while we scrambled to figure out how to fix it.

With more than 5,000 people from around the world taking our quiz each month, there’s truly no “good” time to make live updates.

It was definitely stressful—and especially after it happened the second time—I wished I had that “undo” button.

While that would have come in handy last week, there are far more significant moments in my life I wish I could rewind. The two times I wrecked my car in my youth. The broken bones and tendon tears from soccer tackles I wish I’d never gone in for. The relationships I wish I hadn’t started.

I’m guessing you can think of a few moments of your own, too.

As cool as they would be, we don’t get “undo” buttons or have time machines in real life.

Mistakes are inevitable. Bad things happen. Relationships are hard.

Pain, misunderstanding, and regret are part of the human experience in a broken world. Yet many of us get stuck—because we either ignore the impact our past has on us or long for different outcomes rather than facing the one we have.

Controllers and Victims often have a hard time facing the reality of how abuse affected them. They may believe not thinking about it keeps it in the past, which keeps them oblivious to how their trauma continues to replay in their present.

Pleasers can feel guilty acknowledging the negative impacts of growing up with a parent who might have struggled with anxiety, depression, or how to stand up for them to a dominant parent. So, they make excuses, minimize reality, or explain it away.

Avoiders often learned early on to suppress their emotions. As adults, they may dismiss that negative childhood events affected them at all—or focus only on how those experiences made them stronger in the long run.

While Vacillators can stay stuck in anger over unfairness or non-ideal outcomes. They look for healing in a “perfect” partner—someone who won’t ever let them down or trigger painful emotions again. Of course, perfect spouses don’t exist!

But when we refuse to acknowledge reality and deal with pain, we stay stuck. In the therapy world we call this unfinished business.

Most parents did the best they could with what they knew. But two things can be true at the same time: our parents may not have known any better or chosen their circumstances, yet still, those realities affected us—just as their parents’ realities affected them.

So, what do we do instead?

Secure Connectors: