How Do You Resist Growth?

Amy and I had a conflict last week, which took longer than usual to resolve. We both got stuck, feeling we were more wronged and wanting the other to apologize first. We eventually resolved, but it took some humility.

Here’s an honest question for you to reflect on: Can you convince yourself that others should be the ones to change for relational patterns to improve?

When we’re feeling hurt or vulnerable, we often feel justified in our reactions or self-protection. It’s easy to believe that if others would just listen, soften, or do things differently, the relationship would finally work. But this belief—while comforting—can limit our ability to be objective.

Each of the insecure attachment styles carries specific resistance to growth, and if you’re not aware of those resistance patterns, you too can get stuck on your growth journey.

🚧 How Each Attachment Style Can Dig In

Here are a few common ways each attachment style resists growth—See if you can identify some of your patterns.

Avoiders prefer logic over emotion, seeing vulnerability as weakness and expression of strong emotions as being less resilient to life’s challenges—even when those emotional displays are healthy or appropriate. They resist growth because connecting to vulnerable feelings feels like losing strength—not gaining it.

Pleasers fear disapproval. They’re often unable to hold boundaries when others are upset at them. This keeps them enmeshed and pleasing—reinforcing the very pattern they need to break. Pleasers typically avoid difficult conversations, though these confrontations are necessary to allow the tension needed for growth to occur in a relationship.

Vacillators focus on how they’ve been hurt in conflict, often believing their pain is greater or deserves more attention. Their drive to be understood can outweigh their willingness to understand, leaving others disheartened at their double standards.

Controllers and Victims often medicate their emotional pain with addictions, which prevents them from addressing their attachment injuries. They also often remain in abusive relationships despite opportunities for help—simply because it’s the relational pattern they’ve always known.

⛏️ Why You Need Cognitive Dissonance

But here’s the good news: once you can see and admit your resistance, something powerful happens.

You experience what’s called cognitive dissonance—that uneasy tension of discrepancy between what you truly believe and how you’re actually behaving.

Cognitive dissonance is the neural mechanism necessary for true, changed behavior to occur.

And just like lifting weights at the gym, when we push against an equal opposing force, we grow stronger and less resistant!

So, the next time you feel resistant to doing the right thing, pause and honestly challenge yourself:

“Am I justifying my reaction from a place of insecurity?”

Then, allow space for cognitive dissonance to do its work—between how you’re acting and how you know you’re called to securely love. That’s how transformation begins!

🌱 Want to Learn More About Attachment Style Resistance and How to Grow?

In my new book, Understanding Your Attachment Style, I’ve devoted an entire chapter to the resistance patterns each attachment style can display—helping you recognize the ways you get stuck—and another chapter to Growth Goals, which outline the specific path toward healing for each insecure attachment style.

In just three more weeks, your printed copy can be on its way—or you can instantly download it as an eBook or audiobook.

I personally narrated the audiobook— so as you listen, you’ll hear the heart (and the proper English pronunciation!) behind each word. 😄

While it’s not available until December 2, you can get the Introduction and Chapter 1 for FREE TODAY!

You can also get the Growth Goals Audio for your attachment style here along with a companion PDF, perfect for quick reference use as a daily reminder:

👉 Explore Your Growth Goals

And don’t forget — our bundles are always our best values!
A whole lot of tools for less than the price of one therapy session!

👉 Check out the Bundles