Being An Adult Around Family This Holiday

Why can it be so hard to feel like an adult when we go home for the holidays?

You might be confident and competent in your career, respected by friends, or looked at as a leader in your church—but when you walk back into your family’s home, you can suddenly feel twelve again. That’s because our family of origin can push us back into old roles, where familiar dynamics quickly replay.

The family system doesn’t always see who we’ve become. Instead, it often remembers who we were. Even though you’re the boss at work, because you’re the youngest born, your opinion comes last when deciding what time dinner should be. Or you might be labelled “the favorite,” and siblings become upset, believing mom delayed dinner just to accommodate your schedule.

Even when we think we’ve worked through our issues, family has a unique way of activating us—because our attachment patterns were formed there. The holidays don’t create the triggers; they just expose them.

You may notice that around your family, you don’t speak up as much, or you get offended more easily. Maybe you slip into a peacemaker role between certain family members, or find yourself irritated very quickly.

Being a healthy adult in your family doesn’t mean fixing anyone or confronting everything. It means staying grounded in who you are—even when others try and pull you back into old roles.

When people try to keep us small, we don’t need to announce that we’ve grown up now. Adults don’t need to remind others that they are adults. We demonstrate maturity through boundaries and empowered choices.

Boundaries mean deciding what you will do differently. We can’t control anyone else—but we can use hindsight from past experiences to anticipate situations and prepare how we’ll respond when old dynamics resurface.

You might choose to leave if a certain family member starts drinking. Or you might arrange an alternate place to go—like a friend’s house—if an argument breaks out. And if your family is particularly dysfunctional, you might limit the time you spend with them by planning to arrive later or leave early.

As you step into your adult role—even if your family doesn’t like it—they can eventually learn to respect it. And if they don’t, it’s also okay to grieve the family you wish you had while choosing healthier limits.

The holidays can be an emotional minefield—but they can also be a powerful mirror. They show us where we’ve grown… and where God may still be inviting us to heal.

In 1 Corinthians 13:11, Paul says, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

That verse isn’t about leaving our family behind—it’s about maturing beyond old patterns.