Is It Really Rejection?

I (Amy) was reminded recently just how essential it is to be aware of our wounds before the moment happens.

The other day, my 20-year-old son and I both had the day off. That doesn’t happen often in this season of life, so I invited him to go shopping with me. To my delight, he said yes.

I took him to a trendy vintage store I knew he’d love. He immediately found the clothes he wanted to try on and headed straight for the fitting room. I waited, expecting him to come out and show me what he’d picked before I paid for them.

After what felt like enough time to try on the first item, I called out,

“Carter, are you going to come out and show me?”

His response surprised me.

“No.”

I pushed a little.

“But I want to see how they look.”

“Mom,” he said, “I’m 20 years old. I don’t need to show you. I’m a grown adult.”

Yikes. I felt an immediate shift in my body.

My old self had a reply ready:

“Well, if you don’t show me, I’m not buying you the clothes!”

That reaction would have been about power and control, triggered from a place of perceived rejection and with the potential to derail the rest of the day.

Perceived rejections and abandonments happen a lot to Vacillators—though they’re not usually unaware of the underlying trigger. Often, the reaction is to get mad and reject back.

Thankfully, I’m in recovery and more aware of this trigger than I once was. And from painful experience, I know that reacting from fear of rejection doesn’t produce the connection I want.

This time, I paused, and I reminded myself of the goal: This is a day I want him to remember as a connection.

Instead of becoming offended or ruminating about what his words “meant” about me as a mom, I grounded myself. I remembered being a teenager—how normal it is to crave independence, and how defensiveness often masks insecurity.

This wasn’t about my worth. It was about his stage of life.

So, I chose to accept his decision and not make it about me.

In that quiet moment, I celebrated my own growth.

And yes—I bought him the clothes. 🙂

Later that day, he happily tried them on again at our house and showed me. Then, before he went home, he thanked me for a really good day. 💛

If you find yourself feeling activated in moments like these—whether with your child, your spouse, a friend, or someone at work—pause and ask yourself:

👉 “Is this feeling of rejection real or perceived?”

That single question might save the day and lead you into deeper security!