Let’s be honest—we all blow it at times. When we’re stressed, we can be impatient or easily annoyed. And sometimes, we just say the wrong thing without meaning to.
Now here’s some interesting research from the Gottman Institute:
The most successful couples aren’t the ones who never have (or who avoid) conflict…
They’re the ones who know how to repair.
Conflict isn’t necessarily the problem. The problem is what happens after conflict.
Maybe you’re one of the rare few we hear from who saw rupture and repair modeled well growing up. But most of us either experienced:
- No visible rupture — parental conflicts happened behind closed doors, or one parent always gave in.
- Frequent rupture but no repair — everyone was expected to “just get over it.”
- Forced apologies or ones with excuses — which taught insincerity and a false sense of resolution, not empathy and true remorse.
And unless you’ve learned new skills since then, chances are you’re still following that same script when it comes to rupture today.
💛 Why Repair Matters
Rupture—paired with a genuine apology done right—can actually make a relationship stronger.
You see, you can’t know the strength of a relationship until it’s tested. Rupture reveals whether others love us enough to:
- forgive,
- extend grace, and
- stay connected despite flaws…
…and whether we can do the same in return.
If you’ve ever experienced true repair, you know that deep sense of closeness that follows from it.
But without true repair? Hurt gets stored and resentment builds, only to fuel the reactivity of the next conflict.
🔧 How to Repair Well: The 5 A’s
n my upcoming book, Understanding Your Attachment Style, I have a chapter on repair where I outline the 5 A’s of a good apology—and here they are:
1. Admit specifically what you did wrong.
Not just “I’m sorry,” and leave it at that. Be clear.
“I’m sorry for raising my voice and shutting down.”
2. Ask how your actions impacted them.
Give them space to share their hurt.
“How did that affect you?”
3. Acknowledge their feelings.
Empathy is essential, so they see you care.
“I understand why you felt hurt. That makes sense.”
4. Amend, if needed.
Make something right when appropriate.
“I’ll make it right by…”
5. Accountability.
Show how you’ll do better next time.
“Here’s what I’m doing to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
When you take ownership, listen well, empathize, and commit to a plan to hold yourself accountable, you build trust.
Ruptures are inevitable—that’s part of life. But a lack of true apologies and repair signals either we’re unwilling to grow, we think we’re beyond correction, or we’re already perfect.
So, which kind of person will you choose to be?
Because just like you learned from your family-of-origin—your kids are (or one day will be) watching and learning from you, too!
🌱 Let Us Help You Grow
Need help learning how to repair well and reconnect faster?
Watch Milan and Kay discuss this essential skill in this webinar replay:
👉 Get the Rupture and Repair Webinar
Looking to deepen connection?
Check out our focused bundles for Couples, Singles, and Parents.
Hours of life-changing guidance for less than the cost of a single private therapy session!
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
