Why is it so hard to walk away, even when we know a relationship isn’t right?
Often it’s because we fall in love with the feeling of being in love—not necessarily another person.
The Illusion of Connection
I recently watched a TV show about relationship scams where victims—mostly women—were manipulated into giving thousands of dollars to con artists they believed were “the one” for them.
What struck me wasn’t just the betrayal, but how quickly the victims bonded with the person right from the first date.
They all commonly said things like:
- “I’ve never felt that kind of connection with someone before.”
- “I felt like I’d met my soulmate.”
- “They seemed like the perfect match for me.”
One even revealed that by the end of the first date, both had deleted their dating apps because they had decided they needed to look no further.
Now I’m not blaming these victims for the financial abuse and manipulation they endured, but I do want to pose an uncomfortable question:
Who duped whom on that first date?
Yes—the con artist tricked them with lies and charm, but did they also dupe themselves by not asking deeper questions, verifying information, and rushing intimacy?
Did the person really appear to be perfect for them, or was the idea of a perfect person being out there already in their mind before they met the manipulator?
3 Reasons It's Hard to Let Go
Letting go of a failing romantic relationship is often far more complicated than just recognizing that it’s not working. Here are a few reasons why:
1. Emotional Investment
The Sunk Cost fallacy is a psychological tendency to believe we need to make something work because we’ve already invested so much time, money, and effort into it.
When you’re stuck on, “But we’ve been through so much together,” letting go can feel like it was all for nothing. However, staying for the sake of the past can rob us of the future.
2. Fear of being alone
Even a painful relationship can feel safer than the unknown. Thoughts like:
- “I’m too old to start over.”
- “What if I never find love again?”
…can keep us stuck.
Being single again and having to do the hard work to meet and get to know someone new, or having to learn from your mistakes and grow out of your insecurities, can feel overwhelming.
3. Attachment & Sexual Bonding
Our bodies and brains are wired to attach to a partner—especially when sex is involved— even when partners are toxic or romantic relationships are unfulfilling.
When we have sex, our brains release powerful neurotransmitters like:
- Dopamine, which drives reward and motivation
- Oxytocin, which emotionally bonds us to the other person, and
- Vasopressin, which plays a role in mate-guarding
These neurochemicals are value-neutral—they don’t distinguish between morality or whether something is healthy or harmful for us.
They simply reinforce whatever behavior is producing the chemical response.
When we have sex before we have done the deep work of getting to know a person and whether they’re safe for us, we can find it hard to break up because we are emotionally attached to them.
Over time, this can create an addictive cycle where breaking up feels like withdrawal—and you keep going back because your brain is craving that chemical concoction.
Final Thought
If you’re stuck in a bad relationship, ask yourself:
Is it really love, or is it fear keeping me in this relationship?
You can’t choose to stay if you don’t believe you are strong enough to leave.
It’s normal to grieve the loss of a relationship—even a toxic one.
But it’s also healthy to release something that’s no longer good for your soul.
Leaving a bad relationship isn’t walking away from love. It’s walking toward truth, clarity, and healing.
🙌 Thank You for Growing with Us
Thanks for being part of the How We Love community.
Keep learning, keep loving, and keep growing together.
With love and blessings,
Marc & Amy
Milan & Kay
