Love Style Quiz – How We Love

Directions

This test is meant to help you discover your primary love style (also called an “attachment style”) as you interact with others. Your love style is activated within any relationship but it goes into full bloom with those to whom you are most closely connected. Your love style is not a temperament or personality trait. It is a defensive adaptation to a lack of sufficient emotional connection and nurturing when you were growing up; you may also have experienced relationships that were intrusive or abusive as a child. While these styles were adaptive as kids they prevent close fulfilling relationships as an adult. An accurate assessment requires honesty and careful self-reflection.

Your ultimate goal is to become a secure connector. Let’s get started on the journey…

1. I would describe myself as independent and self-reliant.

Yes No

2. I took a lot of abuse during my childhood until I threatened and fought back, then it stopped.

Yes No

3. My spouse often tells me I’m wrong or crazy, and sometimes I am so confused, I think maybe I am crazy.

Yes No

4. My spouse says mean things to me and makes me feel small and helpless.

Yes No

5. I'll often give others their way, even when I disagree, to avoid a quarrel.

Yes No

6. I often feel misunderstood and unsupported in my marriage.

Yes No

7. After social gatherings, I can’t stop thinking about how I was perceived and I am consumed with figuring out how I could have said things differently.

Yes No

8. When my spouse makes an effort, I feel it’s too little too late.

Yes No

9. When people around me become emotional I don’t know what they want from me.

Yes No

10. I am not a risk taker, and I like things to be predictable.

Yes No

11. I rarely show emotions because it doesn’t help anything.

Yes No

12. I am afraid if I left my spouse, they would harm me or my kids.

Yes No

13. People sometimes describe me as intimidating.

Yes No

14. I often feel unworthy, unlovable, and wonder why I am on this earth.

Yes No

15. I have difficulty saying “no” and find that I often over-commit myself.

Yes No

16. My parent(s) acted more like kids than parents.

Yes No

17. Anger and frustration are usually the only emotions I feel.

Yes No

18. I don’t like when I am alone and no one needs me.

Yes No

19. I make it obvious when I’m hurt, and when no one pursues me to ask what’s wrong, I feel even more upset and angry.

Yes No

20. I want more connection than my spouse wants, and I’m always the one trying to make it happen.

Yes No

21. I am very good at anticipating the needs of others and meeting those needs.

Yes No

22. I try to avoid long conversations, especially if I think someone will get emotional.

Yes No

23. I like to show my love by doing tasks.

Yes No

24. I feel powerless in my relationships, like I am just going through the motions.

Yes No

25. I feel like I am always waiting for time and attention from my spouse.

Yes No

26. I usually defer to a friend or my spouse when choosing a restaurant.

Yes No

27. When people ask me about my childhood, I find I don’t have a lot of memories.

Yes No

28. I don’t like to be alone, but often feel resentful and lonely when my spouse is around.

Yes No

29. I use substances like food, alcohol, or drugs to help deal with the stress and pain in my life.

Yes No

30. I would describe my childhood as unsafe.

Yes No

31. I have thought of leaving my spouse many times, but I don’t have the courage to actually do it.

Yes No

32. I wish my spouse would be more independent.

Yes No

33. My parents would describe me as a good kid who never caused problems.

Yes No

34. I am dishonest at times to avoid conflict.

Yes No

35. I have concerns about the safety of my spouse and kids, and I worry a lot about them.

Yes No

36. I have feelings of jealousy and often feel like I’m not a first priority to my spouse.

Yes No

37. One or both of my parents had serious problems and/or multiple marriages.

Yes No

38. Growing up, my family rarely (or never), discussed personal concerns.

Yes No

39. No one protected me from harm growing up, so I had to toughen up and take care of myself.

Yes No

40. I get angry when others don’t meet my expectations.

Yes No

41. Chaos feels normal to me; when things are quiet I grow anxious because I’m waiting for something bad to happen.

Yes No

42. I often feel my longing for connection and attention in my marriage isn’t satisfied.

Yes No

43. I have few feelings about my childhood except I’m glad it’s over.

Yes No

44. When people hurt me I write them off and end the relationship.

Yes No

45. I don’t let myself cry because if I started, I’d never stop.

Yes No

46. I rarely get angry, but when I do I usually hide it rather than show it.

Yes No

47. My dating relationship with my spouse was passionate and exciting, but now I feel betrayed and duped because that spark is gone.

Yes No

48. My spouse has (or threatens to) hit, drag, or shoved me.

Yes No

49. Growing up, my home was very difficult, but I found I could escape into my head and go away.

Yes No

50. I like to meet the needs of others and I feel uncomfortable when someone wants to serve me.

Yes No

51. My childhood was so unsafe I remember hiding to protect myself.

Yes No

52. If I am honest, I would say my significant other is afraid of me.

Yes No

53. Growing up, my family was not very affectionate or demonstrative.

Yes No

54. One or both of my parents was critical or fearful, so I tried hard to keep them happy or win their approval.

Yes No

55. I don’t have a lot of contact with my parents or adult siblings.

Yes No

56. I have hit or pushed my spouse or kids.

Yes No

57. I get annoyed when people ask me how I feel.

Yes No

58. My spouse controls almost everything about my life.

Yes No

59. Sometimes I try to control my temper, but once I’m angry, I cannot calm down.

Yes No

60. My spouse needs a lot more connection than I want or need.

Yes No

61. Crying kids really annoy me; if they were my kid, it would stop.

Yes No

62. My spouse says they feel like they have a hard time pleasing me.

Yes No

63. If I think someone is mad at me, I would rather do something nice for them than confront them directly.

Yes No

64. My significant other sometimes mistreats me, but it would be worse to be alone.

Yes No

65. I feel very anxious if someone is upset or annoyed with me, so I am good at “keeping peace”.

Yes No

66. My spouse tells me I am distant and don’t show them much attention or affection.

Yes No

67. I prefer to solve problems on my own rather than ask for help.

Yes No

68. I have always been sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.

Yes No

69. Life has taught me to either “be in control” or “be controlled.”

Yes No

70. Things must be done in an orderly, specific way, or I get angry.

Yes No

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How We Love

The Love Style Quiz

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