Love Style Quiz – How We Love

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Directions

This test is meant to help you discover your primary love style (also called an “attachment style”) as you interact with others. Your love style is activated within any relationship but it goes into full bloom with those to whom you are most closely connected. Your love style is not a temperament or personality trait. It is a defensive adaptation to a lack of sufficient emotional connection and nurturing when you were growing up; you may also have experienced relationships that were intrusive or abusive as a child. While these styles were adaptive as kids they prevent close fulfilling relationships as an adult. An accurate assessment requires honesty and careful self-reflection.

Your ultimate goal is to become a secure connector. Let’s get started on the journey…

1. I often feel unworthy and unlovable.

Yes No

2. I responded to a difficult childhood by getting tough and learning to take care of myself.

Yes No

3. Things would go better if my spouse would just do what I want.

Yes No

4. My spouse’s emotions create problems.

Yes No

5. In my family growing up conversations stayed on the surface.

Yes No

6. I want more connection than my spouse wants.

Yes No

7. When my spouse makes an effort, I feel it’s too little too late.

Yes No

8. It bothers me when my spouse chooses to spend time doing activities that don’t include me.

Yes No

9. I would like my spouse to be more independent.

Yes No

10. My spouse tells me I ask how they are doing too often.

Yes No

11. Looking back, I think my childhood was fine.

Yes No

12. My mood is steady and predictable.

Yes No

13. My spouse tells me I have a wall up.

Yes No

14. People have advised me to leave my abusive spouse.

Yes No

15. I struggle with jealousy and often feel like I’m not a first priority to my spouse.

Yes No

16. My spouse has hit, shoved or pushed me and/ or threatened to do these things.

Yes No

17. I feel very afraid when my spouse comes home.

Yes No

18. As an adult, I’m not very close with my parents.

Yes No

19. I have pushed, shoved or hit my spouse in anger.

Yes No

20. I have difficulty saying “No,” if my spouse wants something.

Yes No

21. I feel under-appreciated by my spouse considering how much I give.

Yes No

22. I don’t have the courage to leave my violent spouse.

Yes No

23. Growing up, I tried to protect my mom (or dad) from a violent partner.

Yes No

24. My vision or hearing changes when my spouse is on a rampage.

Yes No

25. Life has taught me to either “be in control” or “be controlled.”

Yes No

26. I would describe myself as self-reliant.

Yes No

27. People would probably describe me as intimidating.

Yes No

28. I have been married to an abusive spouse more than one time.

Yes No

29. I freeze up and have trouble expressing myself if my spouse is upset with me.

Yes No

30. My dating relationship with my spouse was passionate and exciting and now I feel betrayed because that is gone.

Yes No

31. Once I’m angry, I can’t stop.

Yes No

32. I make it obvious when I’m hurt and when my spouse doesn’t ask me what’s wrong I feel even more upset.

Yes No

33. I make the rules and expect my spouse to follow them.

Yes No

34. I feel very upset if someone is annoyed with me.

Yes No

35. I had a parent who terrified me in a similar way that my spouse scares me.

Yes No

36. Things need to be done a certain way or I get angry.

Yes No

37. Conflict makes me want to disengage.

Yes No

38. I put a high value on peace and harmony.

Yes No

39. As a child I took the role of a parent.

Yes No

40. I give others their way to avoid a conflict.

Yes No

41. I get angry when others don’t meet my expectations.

Yes No

42. I am always waiting for time and attention from my spouse.

Yes No

43. My spouse has forced me to have sex when I didn’t want to.

Yes No

44. If my spouse is upset I usually believe it’s because of something I did.

Yes No

45. I have always been sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.

Yes No

46. My spouse complains I don’t need them.

Yes No

47. My spouse has told me they would harm me and/or the kids if I left.

Yes No

48. It’s up to me to bring up all the problems in my marriage.

Yes No

49. I feel resentful and lonely when my spouse is around.

Yes No

50. I prefer to show love by doing tasks.

Yes No

51. Anger and frustration are the only emotions I feel.

Yes No

52. My spouse gets irate if someone doesn’t follow the rules.

Yes No

53. If I am honest, I would say my spouse is afraid of me.

Yes No

54. My longing for connection and attention in my marriage isn’t satisfied.

Yes No

55. I often defer to my spouse when trying to make decisions.

Yes No

56. My spouse controls most everything about my life.

Yes No

57. I put up with my spouse humiliating me.

Yes No

58. Growing up, my family was not affectionate.

Yes No

59. My spouse wants more connection than I do.

Yes No

60. Growing up, my parents did not inquire about my feelings.

Yes No

61. I would describe myself growing up as a ”good kid” who rarely caused problems.

Yes No

62. I am focused on meeting the needs of my spouse.

Yes No

63. I left home before I was 17 because I couldn’t take it anymore.

Yes No

64. I prefer to figure things out on my own rather than asking for help.

Yes No

65. I often feel misunderstood and unsupported in my marriage.

Yes No

66. I’m afraid to disagree when I know it will upset someone.

Yes No

67. Crying kids really annoy me and if they were my kids it would stop.

Yes No

68. I took a lot of abuse during my childhood but eventually, I fought back.

Yes No

69. I can remember hiding to try and protect myself from an abusive parent.

Yes No

70. I have difficulty confronting my spouse.

Yes No

71. My spouse says they feel like they have a hard time pleasing me.

Yes No

72. After social gatherings I ruminate a lot in my own head about how I was perceived and think about things I wanted to say differently.

Yes No

73. I get heated if my spouse questions me.

Yes No

74. I don’t get angry.

Yes No

75. I have witnessed my spouse being verbally and or physically abusive with the kids.

Yes No

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How We Love

The Love Style Quiz

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