Love Style Quiz – How We Love

Directions

This test is meant to help you discover your primary love style (also called an “attachment style”) as you interact with others. Your love style is activated within any relationship but it goes into full bloom with those to whom you are most closely connected. Your love style is not a temperament or personality trait. It is a defensive adaptation to a lack of sufficient emotional connection and nurturing when you were growing up; you may also have experienced relationships that were intrusive or abusive as a child. While these styles were adaptive as kids they prevent close fulfilling relationships as an adult. An accurate assessment requires honesty and careful self-reflection.

Your ultimate goal is to become a secure connector. Let’s get started on the journey…

1. When my spouse makes an effort, I feel it’s too little too late.

Yes No

2. I like to show my love by doing tasks.

Yes No

3. I often feel my longing for connection and attention in my marriage isn’t satisfied.

Yes No

4. Things must be done in an orderly, specific way, or I get angry.

Yes No

5. Life has taught me to either “be in control” or “be controlled.”

Yes No

6. I want more connection than my spouse wants, and I’m always the one trying to make it happen.

Yes No

7. I feel like I am always waiting for time and attention from my spouse.

Yes No

8. If I am honest, I would say my significant other is afraid of me.

Yes No

9. My spouse says mean things to me and makes me feel small and helpless.

Yes No

10. My spouse often tells me I’m wrong or crazy, and sometimes I am so confused, I think maybe I am crazy.

Yes No

11. People sometimes describe me as intimidating.

Yes No

12. My childhood was so unsafe I remember hiding to protect myself.

Yes No

13. Sometimes I try to control my temper, but once I’m angry, I cannot calm down.

Yes No

14. If I think someone is mad at me, I would rather do something nice for them than confront them directly.

Yes No

15. Anger and frustration are usually the only emotions I feel.

Yes No

16. My parents would describe me as a good kid who never caused problems.

Yes No

17. After social gatherings, I can’t stop thinking about how I was perceived and I am consumed with figuring out how I could have said things differently.

Yes No

18. My parent(s) acted more like kids than parents.

Yes No

19. I would describe myself as independent and self-reliant.

Yes No

20. I have thought of leaving my spouse many times, but I don’t have the courage to actually do it.

Yes No

21. I usually defer to a friend or my spouse when choosing a restaurant.

Yes No

22. I have few feelings about my childhood except I’m glad it’s over.

Yes No

23. Chaos feels normal to me; when things are quiet I grow anxious because I’m waiting for something bad to happen.

Yes No

24. I feel powerless in my relationships, like I am just going through the motions.

Yes No

25. Growing up, my family rarely (or never), discussed personal concerns.

Yes No

26. I have concerns about the safety of my spouse and kids, and I worry a lot about them.

Yes No

27. When people around me become emotional I don’t know what they want from me.

Yes No

28. I am dishonest at times to avoid conflict.

Yes No

29. I prefer to solve problems on my own rather than ask for help.

Yes No

30. My spouse controls almost everything about my life.

Yes No

31. I'll often give others their way, even when I disagree, to avoid a quarrel.

Yes No

32. My spouse tells me I am distant and don’t show them much attention or affection.

Yes No

33. I don’t like when I am alone and no one needs me.

Yes No

34. No one protected me from harm growing up, so I had to toughen up and take care of myself.

Yes No

35. I don’t have a lot of contact with my parents or adult siblings.

Yes No

36. Growing up, my family was not very affectionate or demonstrative.

Yes No

37. I wish my spouse would be more independent.

Yes No

38. My dating relationship with my spouse was passionate and exciting, but now I feel betrayed and duped because that spark is gone.

Yes No

39. My spouse needs a lot more connection than I want or need.

Yes No

40. I like to meet the needs of others and I feel uncomfortable when someone wants to serve me.

Yes No

41. I have always been sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.

Yes No

42. I get annoyed when people ask me how I feel.

Yes No

43. I am very good at anticipating the needs of others and meeting those needs.

Yes No

44. My spouse has (or threatens to) hit, drag, or shoved me.

Yes No

45. I rarely get angry, but when I do I usually hide it rather than show it.

Yes No

46. I am not a risk taker, and I like things to be predictable.

Yes No

47. I make it obvious when I’m hurt, and when no one pursues me to ask what’s wrong, I feel even more upset and angry.

Yes No

48. I feel very anxious if someone is upset or annoyed with me, so I am good at “keeping peace”.

Yes No

49. Crying kids really annoy me; if they were my kid, it would stop.

Yes No

50. I took a lot of abuse during my childhood until I threatened and fought back, then it stopped.

Yes No

51. I try to avoid long conversations, especially if I think someone will get emotional.

Yes No

52. I have hit or pushed my spouse or kids.

Yes No

53. When people ask me about my childhood, I find I don’t have a lot of memories.

Yes No

54. I don’t let myself cry because if I started, I’d never stop.

Yes No

55. My significant other sometimes mistreats me, but it would be worse to be alone.

Yes No

56. One or both of my parents was critical or fearful, so I tried hard to keep them happy or win their approval.

Yes No

57. I have feelings of jealousy and often feel like I’m not a first priority to my spouse.

Yes No

58. I would describe my childhood as unsafe.

Yes No

59. I rarely show emotions because it doesn’t help anything.

Yes No

60. One or both of my parents had serious problems and/or multiple marriages.

Yes No

61. Growing up, my home was very difficult, but I found I could escape into my head and go away.

Yes No

62. When people hurt me I write them off and end the relationship.

Yes No

63. I don’t like to be alone, but often feel resentful and lonely when my spouse is around.

Yes No

64. My spouse says they feel like they have a hard time pleasing me.

Yes No

65. I use substances like food, alcohol, or drugs to help deal with the stress and pain in my life.

Yes No

66. I get angry when others don’t meet my expectations.

Yes No

67. I often feel misunderstood and unsupported in my marriage.

Yes No

68. I often feel unworthy, unlovable, and wonder why I am on this earth.

Yes No

69. I have difficulty saying “no” and find that I often over-commit myself.

Yes No

70. I am afraid if I left my spouse, they would harm me or my kids.

Yes No

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How We Love

The Love Style Quiz

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