Core Patterns tend to manifest as predictable, cyclical behavior patterns. Below is the pattern common to relationships where both partners have the Pleaser Love Style.

1. Typical Behavior

Pleasers try to avoid relationship anxiety by

  • Being nice so others will stay close.
  • Avoiding conflict.
  • Minimizing or downplaying problems.
  • Being overly optimistic.
  • Being overly protective.
  • Staying hyper-vigilant about moods of others.
  • Feeling a need to “fix” the negative emotions of others.
  • If everyone is happy, the pleaser is relieved of their anxiety.

2. Denial

“We don’t have any problems—right? Right!” Both partners will

  • Collude to ignore the realities of pain, problems, and difficult emotions.
  • Be dishonest to avoid conflict.
  • Reassure rather than listen.

3. Rejection Avoidance

Partners will try to avoid rejection by

  • Giving and “performing” to what they believe are other’s expectations (and may therefore suffer from performance anxiety).
  • Rescuing others, preventing others from building tolerance for frustration.
  • Saying “Yes” to too much, overcommitting themselves. Pleasers can’t say “no” or set boundaries.
 

4. Tension Builds

The system breaks down when stress or difficulties can no longer be ignored or minimized. One partner may be overwhelmed by a crisis may and become more agitated, sad or depressed. One Pleaser may be more confrontative or try facing reality while the other resists, trying to stay in the Pleaser role.

5. Crisis

The system breaks down when stress or difficulties can no longer be ignored or minimized. One spouse may be overwhelmed by a crisis may and become more agitated, sad or depressed. One Pleaser may be more confrontative or try facing reality while the other resists, trying to stay in the Pleaser role.

Repeat

The cycle repeats and problems remain unaddressed or unresolved.  Anger is avoided.

Break the Cycle

Core Patterns: Avoider + Avoider & Pleaser + Pleaser

One audio file and two PDFs provide an in-depth look at the Avoider/Avoider and the Pleaser/Pleaser which are Less Common Core Pattern Combinations. There is one audio file and two PDF’s one for each style. Each PDF contains a circular diagram of the Core Pattern, explanations, and all applicable interventions to exit the destructive dance.

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