“I keep my needs quiet, and honestly, I’m not even sure what my needs are. It’s safer when I just go with the flow… there’s less opportunity for a blow-up.”
In chaotic homes, compliant kids survive by trying to stay under the radar and be as invisible as possible. They hide, appease and learn to not be fully present in order to lessen the pain from their angry, violent, chaotic parents. Some kids build whole imaginary worlds in their heads where they can escape the pain of abuse. Victims lack a sense of self-worth or person hood and are often anxious, depressed and just going through the motions. They may replicate their childhood home environment by marrying a Controller and using the coping methods of compliance and retreat to get by. Suppressed anger may be inflicted on the kids when the Controller is not present.
Ask yourself the following: If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Victim. Take the quiz to find out.
- Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents.
- I’m used to chaos and calm makes me anxious because something bad is always just around the corner.
- If I spoke up more and had stronger opinions, my spouse (or other significant relationships) would be even angrier.
- I feel like I’m just “going through the motions” and I’m tired and out of energy.