The Pleaser in the relationship is hyper-vigilant about disapproval/rejection. They may not be aware of anxiety as the emotion was frequent and unaddressed when they were kids.
The Avoider in the relationship is annoyed by the Pleaser’s need for approval and reassurance.
The Avoiders response causes the Pleaser to feel rejected, panicky, and/or alone. As a result, the Pleaser tries even harder to please, and “hovers” to keep track of the Avoider’s mood. Ultimately, the pleaser merely intensifies their efforts to promote proximity with their Avoider partner.
Annoyed by the Pleaser’s “neediness”, the Avoider detaches/distances themselves further. They may busy themselves with work or other tasks.
Threatened by the increased distance, the Pleaser continues to try capturing the Avoider’s attention/approval. As this continues, over years the Pleaser becomes resentful for giving so much and getting so little.
The Avoider, frustrated, begins to disrespect the Pleaser; wanting the Pleaser to just “grow up” and start being independent like the Avoider.
Cycle repeats causing frustration. Repetitive pattern blocks close connection.
Your core pattern is the enemy, not your spouse! This audio file and PDF provides an in-depth look at Avoider-Pleaser Attachment Core Pattern. It includes a diagram of this core pattern, explanations of the predictable interactions and all applicable interventions to move out of this destructive, reactive cycle.