We married in 2012 after a whirlwind three-month introduction and engagement, each believing we had found our soulmate. But once married, real life set in—and our whirlwind romance quickly felt more like two tornadoes colliding. We soon realized we were more alike than we thought when it came to conflict. Both of us, imprinted in childhood with a Vacillator love style, struggled to wait our turn in conversations. We often felt deeply disappointed, misunderstood, and resorted to protesting in an effort to make the other see our pain and respond.

Adding to our challenges, we each brought a seven-year-old child into the marriage, along with emotional wounds from our previous marriages—with both our former spouses committing infidelity. By God’s grace, we made it through those difficult early years. In 2017, as Marc was transitioning from the corporate world into the field of therapy, we were introduced to the How We Love material. We were stunned by how accurately the love styles described us and our core conflict pattern. When Marc discovered we all lived in Southern California, he reached out to the Yerkovichs and asked to train under them.

Since then, we’ve learned to understand the core pattern of our marriage, become more aware of our triggers, and developed the skills to listen and speak more effectively using the Comfort Circle. We’ve learned to calm the small, reactive child inside us, wait our turn, recognize and adjust idealized expectations, and make clear requests rather than protest (most of the time!)

Earning secure attachment is hard work, but the fruit it bears is truly life-giving. You can stay stuck, or you can choose to grow. We hope you’ll choose growth—and make secure attachment your legacy too.