This PDF provides an in-depth look at Vacillator + Pleaser Core Pattern. It includes a circular diagram of this Core Pattern, explanations and all applicable interventions to exit this destructive dance.
As the imprints collide the Pleaser cannot keep up with the idealized expectation of the Vacillator. As they make mistakes, and feel irritability from the Vacillator, their anxiety returns and they become concerned with avoiding conflict. Initially, they try harder to make it work, wanting to again feel the Vacillators’ pleasure and praise. Vacillators confront and Pleasers are attempting to avoid confrontation which sets up a chase scene.
Vacillators are disillusioned when the initial passion begins to wane. They want their spouse to understand and want them, not just please them. The Pleasers anxious scurrying around makes them feel placated, rather than known and valued. This isn’t what they expected and over time the Pleasers’ efforts become annoying. The Vacillator becomes more agitated and upset, and they don’t realize Pleasers don’t know how to connect in a reciprocal way because they don’t know how to receive. Since Pleasers did not learn to have soul words growing up, and no one was asking about their heart, they cannot relate on this level.
Pleasers try to fix any negative emotions by doing nice things, so their spouse is happy. Moving towards the difficult feelings of others (or their own), makes them anxious because they don’t know what to do. Since the Vacillator doesn’t understand these deeper dynamics, they feel more and more unloved, and more and more disillusioned and angry.
The Pleaser keeps trying. After all, they have been pleasing for their whole life. Over time, resentment begins to build but Pleasers rarely express anger openly so it may be expressed in passive ways. They feel they are walking on eggshells and while their efforts may make the Vacillator happy for a while, it won’t be peaceful for long. If the pattern continues long enough, the Pleasers’ resentment may build to the point that they give up trying or leave their spouse. If the couple remains in this pattern for years, their marriage is often filled with bitterness and resentment.
If you are interested in the complete series, this PDF is also included as part of the Core Patterns – Complete Series set.