Your core patter is the enemy, not your spouse! This PDF provides an in-depth look at Avoider-Pleaser Attachment Core Pattern. It includes a diagram of this core pattern, explanations of the predictable interactions and all applicable interventions to move out of this destructive, reactive cycle. (Does not include audio CD of Avoider/Pleaser core pattern).
Over time, the Pleaser begins to feel rejected by the Avoiders’ independent, self-sufficient relational style. The Avoiders’ tendencies to disengage and detach make the Pleaser feel anxious about the relationship wondering, “What is wrong?” “Am I making my spouse happy?” As the Pleaser feels cut off, they pursue to close the gap and lower their own anxiety. They wonder why the Avoider doesn’t seem to want or need them as much as they use to.
The Avoider becomes annoyed when the Pleaser interprets their need for space as a personal rejection. This is baffling to the Avoider who has always been independent and self-sufficient. They began to see the Pleaser as smothering and too needy so they distance and continue to be self-sufficient as they have always been.
The irritation of the Avoider increases the Pleasers’ anxiety. Why isn’t their spouse happier? Why don’t they want to be closer? The Pleaser increases their efforts to win approval and begins to resent the fact that they give more in the relationship. This irritates the Avoider, because they were not asking for anything in the first place. And so, the dance continues. Since both the Pleaser and Avoider are adverse to conflict and difficult emotions, most problems are minimized and not addressed. Honest difficult conversations are rare in this pair.
If you are interested in the complete series, this PDF is also included as part of the Attachment Core Pattern Therapy – Complete Series set.