Unspoken…Questions about Sexuality (Part 3)

My husband looks at porn on the internet.  How can I get him to stop?

Here is a common problem that plagues many marriages today.  The problem with your husband is that he does not know how to develop emotional and relational intimacy with you.  But then again, odds are, he’s never known how to have an emotional relationship with anyone… even growing up with his mom and dad.  So, as an adult, he substitutes intensity for intimacy.  It’s a quick cheep thrill trap that all men are susceptible to falling into… but some more than others.  Once in the clutches of the vice, the adrenaline rush is so addictive that it’s like trying to give up drugs.

He could be having sex with you on a regular basis and still using porn as a means of self soothing to relieve agitation and anxiety.   Probably, the idea of self medicating has never crossed his mind.  All he knows is that he gets a rush from looking at it and that’s all he thinks about.   Obviously by your question, you know about the problem and apparently have said something and he is ignoring or dismissing you.  Here are some thoughts:

1.      You have to choose whether or not you are going to fight for your marriage.  Some women give up, cave in and settle.  Having somebody is better than nobody.

2.      If you do decide to fight for your marriage, plan on encountering a very bumpy road.  He’ll fight too.  No addict wants to easily give up something that has great value to them.  To fight for what is right, might cost you your marriage.  You have to be willing to loose everything if he’s uncooperative.

3.      If he won’t listen to you, create an intervention and take two men with you from the church and begin the process outlined in Matthew 18:15-17 which creates increasing peer pressure upon him.  In theory, the church body would be told about the problem and hopefully their appeals would help him wake up.   This Bible verse is the ultimate intervention that few people and few churches for that matter use as a means for protecting its members from sin. (Are you still with me?  You may be stuck on number one or two above.)

4.      If he is willing to deal with his problem, then tell him to go to an Every Man’s Battle weekend sponsored by New Life Ministries, of which I am a radio co-host (1-800-NEW-LIFE or www.newlife.com).  He will come back with a new perspective and a group of men that will stay in touch weekly to help support each other.

5.      If he won’t do that, you will need to create some sort of plan in which you demand that he repent or that you will create an ultimatum which will be unpleasant for him. Prayerfully consider what you are willing to do, seek counsel from the elder board from you church and get into counseling to help you work on your personal view of self and developing strength.

I know that all this may seem drastic, but God calls for drastic measures to preserve holiness within the body of Christ.

I hope that something I said here helps you on your journey of love.


Milan and Kay