The Secure Connector 5 – Traits

Traits of the Secure Connector (Part 5)

Thanks for your prayers.  We had a busy, but wonderful week speaking at Saddleback Orphan Summit and then at all five weekend services.  We now have a link on our website to the Saddleback Church Weekend Services. Go to and then click on the “About Milan and Kay”  tab.  Click on Media and Appearances and at the top of the list is Saddleback Church.  Click Watch Online and you can see the service if you missed it.

We are blogging about an important topic.  On our website we have a link to a list of traits of a secure connector. For any attachment injury these are your goals.  You can rate yourself to see how proficient you are at the abilities a secure connector possesses.  We can all find some area to improve.  For the weeks ahead we will look at each of these traits and explain why this is an important relationship skill.  If you really want to be courageous ask your spouse, teenager or friend to rate you.

As we work toward a secure attachment we will be able to rate ourselves higher in these skills.

Rate 1-5: #1 = No/rarely.  #5 = Most often/always.

Today we are going to talk about just one trait of the secure connector because it is so important.  How well are you able to do the following?

I am aware of my mate’s (or kids) behaviors when they are stressed and can take measures to bring them relief.

When family members are stressed their behaviors usually are not endearing.  We tend to get annoyed and react to our spouse or kids when they are stressed.  People respond to stress in a variety of ways.  We may eat, sleep, isolate, get irritable, clean, cry, pout, exercise, work harder, pray, avoid eye contact, daydream or any number of behaviors.  Often we have a favorite.  Can you name each family member and their most common reaction to difficult feelings?

If we are aware of stress behaviors in ourselves and others we can invite connection to relieve stress.  What does that sound like?

“Honey, you are cleaning like crazy, yet I know you are tired.  I am wondering if we could talk and figure out what is stressing you and what might help you feel better?”

“Tommy, you have been picking on your brother all morning.  You tend to do that when you are stressed and upset.  Let’s sit down with the feelings words list and see what’s going on inside you.”

“You seem grumpy and you said you have a headache.  I notice that is what happens when you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed.  Let’s see what feelings you have and think of some ways I might help you feel better.”

Avoiders often try and relieve stress non- relationally by doing tasks or dismissing feelings.  Pleasers try harder to make everyone happy.  Vacillators get mad or withdraw and pout.  Controllers get bossy.  Victims get fearful and check out.  While these are common tendencies everyone is unique.  Try turning stress into an opportunity for connection and comment on the blog about your experience.  I want to know what happens!  Kay