The Secure Connector 23 – Traits

Traits of the Secure Connector: Asking for Redo’s.

Well we have been in a long but important series on all the traits of the secure connector. These can serve as goals no matter what love style you are. Today we write on a very important topic that we hope will become common place in your home. Would you answer the following question with a “Yes”, or “No”?
I can ask for a “do-over” and try again when I blow it with my mate. (or kids)
We all have bad days when we are not at our best. We talk too harshly or dismiss too quickly. Maybe we are dishonest, avoid responding to a family member’s needs or make a selfish decision. Perhaps we realize we were insensitive, sarcastic or hurtful with our words. Some of us use body language that is destructive we roll our eyes in annoyance, sigh with impatience or glare in disgust. We all make mistakes but many times we don’t actively repair by owning our shortcoming and asking for a do-over. Here is a sentence you need to make a part of your family’s life.
I was insensitive when I minimized your pain (acknowledge the bad behavior that fits) and that must have make you feel discounted (make a guess as to what feeling your bad behavior caused) and I would like a do- over so I can really hear you. Is now a good time?
This statement is about your wrongdoing and the desire to correct the offensive behavior. It is not about blaming anyone else for your reaction and behavior. Let’s look at another example.
I raised my voice and had a harsh tone last night and that must have made you feel demeaned and I would like a do-over so I can respond in a more tender thoughtful way. Is now a good time?
Son, I was hard on you at the ball game yesterday. I bet you felt anxious. It’s hard to do your best when I’m constantly yelling directions. I would like to hear how you feel about my behavior. Next week I would like a do over and I will control myself and be more encouraging.
Sometimes we cannot redo something but we can still offer to listen to the feelings of the one we have offended.
I tried to be funny last night at dinner and my humor was at your expense and I bet that made you feel humiliated. I wish I would not have done that but I want to hear how it made you feel before I apologize. (Save your apology until after you have listened to the feelings.)
It’s always best if we ask for the do-over when our behavior or words are out of line. But it’s also OK to request a redo.
Your anger really shut me down last night. I care about our communication and I would really like a do-over. Is now a good time?
Each love style has its own propensity for offensive behavior. Be on the lookout for how your behavior, words and body language affect others and take ownership and ask for a do-over when you are wrong….even its minor in your from your perspective.
Avoider: Most like to hurt others by
• not responding
• dismissing
• fixing rather than listening
• ignoring opportunities for comfort
• minimizing another’s feelings
• putting too much value on tasks and performance
• not being grace filled with another’s mistakes.
Pleaser: Most likely to hurt others by
• not being honest
• minimizing problems
• overcommitting until your family is getting leftovers,
• not confronting when something is wrong
• being indecisive.
Vacillator: Most likely to hurt others by
• idealism (expectations too high)
• devaluing (making others all bad)
• harsh or mean words when angry
• Criticizing others when their ways or views are different.
Controller: Most likely to hurt others by
• Intimidation
• harsh mean words
• insisting on one’s own way
• not deferring or others
• not listening to feelings
• views and opinions of others
• making excuses for own bad behavior.
Victim: Most likely to hurt others by
• Not protecting self or kids
• ignoring what is blatantly wrong
• making excuses for offenders
• taking the blame for things that are not their responsibility.

Thanks for listening,
Kay