The TOP 5 Problems We Hear On the Radio…
and what to do about them.
Part 5 of 5
So you think that you are unique and that your problems are special? That your life or relationship stresses are known only to you and that somehow your case requires special advice or care? No, your problems are quite common. Actually, human beings are not that inventive. We all do the same things, have the same concerns and get into the same predictable dilemmas.
As a radio co-host on New Life Live, a nationally syndicated counseling talk show, I (Milan) have come to recognize that there are repeatable themes to the caller’s issues. Whether it is Freda in Fresno or Bill in Baltimore, guess what? As Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).”
So, for the last five weeks, we have covered the top five issues that we encounter regularly on the radio and in our offices. We hope that this information will help you begin strategies to counter them so that you can grow and your situations might improve.
Pornography & Sexual Disconnection
Lala from LA,
(who listens on KKLA).
When I saw the name “Lala” on the monitor, I had warm thoughts of the summer of 1972 when Kay and I got married. The number one music hit was Lala by Derek and the Dominos and my mind wandered for a moment as I fondly remembered that song playing on the car radio as we drove to the church.
My pleasurable feelings quickly dissipated however when I saw that the screener had written:
“Porn problem with husband”.
Lala was very upset and on the verge of tears as she spoke to us.
The week before, she had awakened, gotten out of bed and had walked in on her husband looking at a porn site late at night. She was devastated. Lala explained that they had been struggling with sexual tensions and compatibility issues for the last ten years because he wanted to have sex more often than she did and she didn’t feel emotionally close to him and resented his sexual advances.
Even though emotional and friendship bonds had weakened over the years, Lala still could not understand why this insidious plight would strike her home.
Hurt and enraged, she told him, permanently fix the problem or she was out, for (citing Jesus inaccurately however), if he had committed adultery in his mind he was guilty of adultery and she would divorce him. If by some miracle she chose not to leave him, she warned him that it would be a long time of trust building before they would ever have sex again.
Wow! The tangled webs we weave.
What is really going on here?
Her husband had never escaped the gravitational field of the world and the flesh, which reinforces to men the erroneous view that women are to be played with like toys. With such an outlook, a female is an object and not a real person, so in the sexual fantasy world of many men, a woman exists for the man’s pleasure and the male does not see her as a person with emotions and desires to be considered and cared for.
(As a side note, it is also possible that he may have had healthy view of women and had good sexual self- control, yet with sexual tensions, emotional disconnection and extended sexual deprivation, he had fallen prey to the temptation that abounded on his computer screen.)
On Lala’s side, she feels resentful that her husband desires her sexually while her emotions and intellect are being neglected. Over time, she grows more bitter and angry and gradually a huge power struggle over sex ensues and the battle rages from that point on. I asked Lala if she had ever been emotionally or sexually misused. She said not really, but her dad was very emotionally distant. She craved closeness, and while this is a legitimate desire, for some people with significant abandonment issues (acute or chronic) their craving is intensified to an unrealistic level and is too idealistic.
What advice did we give to Lala?
1. We informed her that it is common for husbands and wives to have differences in sexual desire. It is also problematic that women desire to be close emotionally before sex is desired and enjoyed and conversely, men feel more emotionally connected during and after sex. Therefore, tension is to be expected. In Lala’s idealistic world, this problem should simply not exist, so something must be wrong with her husband.
2. We recommended that her husband be directed to a New Life Every Man’s Battle weekend intensive. This would help him learn to better control the run away sexual desires that were controlling him.
3. They needed to get into couple’s therapy to learn (or re-learn) how to connect more fully on an emotional and spiritual level. A safe place where they could experience growing levels of trust and bonding. As we teach in our book in the section on the comfort circle, the universal antidote for healing and connection involves a daily repetition of the cycle of self-awareness, which is then clearly communicated which isthoroughly listened to and in turn validated which ultimately yields earned security & bonding.
4. We shared that lust with the eyes was not a grounds for divorce, and that only physical adultery was a grounds for divorce (Jesus was making a different point in the Sermon on the Mount which had to do with a positional standing of guilt before a holy God and thus the need for a Savior who was Jesus Himself.)
5. We shared that if her husband was repentant, she would need to recognize that healing and closeness is a process and that she would need to be open to having sex sooner than later to encourage both of them to continue doing the hard work of sanctification.
6. She needed to become angry at, grieve the loss of a distant dad, and cleanse herself of the decades of hurt feelings, which were fueling her unrealistic expectations of her husband.
RECOMMENDED READING: (simply click the title to learn more)
Lala’s Husband is NOT the only husband who has a problem controlling his sexual urges. Perhaps you know of someone just like him, or perhaps you are struggling with sexual issues yourself. The GOOD news is that there is HELP for you. I recommend very highly getting, reading and implementing the actions laid out in Steve Arterburn’s book:
|Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time
By Stephen ArterburnFrom the television to the Internet, print media to videos, men are constantly faced with the assault of sensual images. It is impossible to avoid such temptations … but, thankfully, not impossible to rise above them. Shattering the perception that men are unable to control their thought lives and roving eyes, Every Man’s Battle shares the stories of dozens who have escaped the trap of sexual immorality and presents a practical, detailed plan for any man who desires sexual purity. Perfect for men who have fallen in the past, those who want to remain strong today, and all who want to overcome temptation in the future. Includes a special section for women, designed to help them understand and support the men they love.
Another book that can help women like Lala understand their husbands:
|The Secrets Men Keep: How Men Make Life and Love Tougher Than It Has to Be
By Stephen ArterburnAll the things that men think and feel—but don’t dare to talk about—are explored in The Secrets Men Keepby Stephen Arterburn, the best-selling author of Every Man’s Battle. Significance. Fears. Sex. Communication. Relationships. Work. Commitment. Intimacy. Expectations. Control. Failure. Nothing that drives men is left untouched within these pages. But men—and the women who love them—are not left without hope either. For women who long to understand their man better, and for men who aspire to build more successful lives, Arterburn not only delves into their private needs, aspirations, motivations and frustrations but also gives perspective on where those secrets come from and how to respond to them to make life and love easier on everyone.
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Kay’s tips on improving your relationships: “Fuel for the LOVE Tank “
Milan and Kay