The avoidant husband & pursuing wife (who feels angry & controlling).

The TOP 5 Problems We Hear On the Radio…
and what to do about them.
Part 2 of 5

So you think that you are unique and that your problems are special?  That your life or relationship stresses are known only to you and that somehow your case requires special advice or care?  No, your problems are quite common.  Actually, human beings are not that inventive.  We all do the same things, have the same concerns and get into the same predictable dilemmas.

As a radio co-host on New Life Live, a nationally syndicated counseling talk show, I (Milan) have come to recognize that there are repeatable themes to the caller’s issues.  Whether it is Freda in Fresno or Bill in Baltimore, guess what?  As Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).”  In the next five weeks, we will cover the top five issues that we encounter and how to counter them so that you can grow and your situations might improve.

PROBLEM #2:

The avoidant husband & pursuing wife (who feels angry & controlling).

Chad from “Chad”inuga, Tennesee called in and stated:

  • “I’m having a problem with my waaaf!”  (wife)
  • Were Christians, and were married in the church.
  • I drive a truck, and I’m gone Monday – Friday. So on Sat & Sun I sleep, watch TV, eat and have sex (maybe more than once).
  • My waaaf  started working out and she has lost 75 lbs., and is training for triathlons.  She spends time with her male trainer and she says she loves him like an “uncle” and everytime they hang up the cell phone I hear her say, “I love you too.”
  • She is always training and goes to events on the weekends.
  • I don’t want to go and watch her compete because I’m mad at her for not wanting to be with me and I’m also “tarrd” (tired) on the weekends.
  • I confronted her and she says, “I’m never going back to the old way of life.”
  • “What should I do?”

What do you think Chad should do? 

What advice would you give to him?

New life host Steve Arterburn started off by suggesting that Chad should make a “statement” to the other guy and drive his 18 wheeler (truck) over the front lawn, right up to the guy’s front door, honk and tell him to leave his wife alone.  At the next commercial break, I warned Steve and told him that Country Western singer Garth Brooks wrote a song with a similar theme called “Papa Loves Mama”.  However, in the song, Papa who is angered at his cheat’n waaaf, drives his truck through the house and the songs chorus says, “Momma’s in the graveyard, Daddy’s in the Penn.”  I suggested that we shouldn’t plant any “ideas” in this trucker’s mind.

What’s really going on here between Chad and his waaaf?

  • Chad, just like Cher from last week is still a little boy inside.
  • Chad is an avoider, who is a poor communicator and is overwhelmed and  frightened by his pursuing wife.
  • His wife experienced a “shift”. She accepted the reality of the situation which involved her realizing that Chad was not going to meet her emotional needs.
  • While Chad might be playing the “You can’t do that, Jesus will be mad at you” card, she is digging in her heals and in reality saying, “I don’t care.”
  • His waaaf’s new athletic interests, self image and boosted self esteem have now perhaps become obsessive and are possibly out of balance.

Here is what we advised Chad. 

  1. He needed to recognize his own immaturity and realize that no spouse (male or female) is going to be attracted to a child like spouse who only wants to eat, sleep and play.
  2. He needs to do his own growth work of realizing that no one ever connected with him as a child and ever engaged with him on a level other than work, eat & TV.  By recognizing the true state of his childhood experience, he could then grieve the loss of a secure childhood experience and choose to grow from the child he is to a man in the next few years.
  3. He will only be able to do this if his growth work includes some sort of a men’s group where accountability, emotions and the honest feedback from others is maintained.  As Steve Arterburn says, “Men learn to be men in the presence of other men.”
  4. He needs to tell his wife that he too does not ever want things to return to old way.  That he is willing to learn and grow.  That he will re-train careers if necessary so he can be home more. That he is proud of her for loosing 75 lbs. and her accomplishments.
  5. He should “buck up” and go with her to her events on the weekends and cheer her on and be a part of her support crew.
  6. He should ask her to give up her relationship with the trainer and be patient with her response.

Key reminder to all of us: Never develop a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

Coming next week: Problem #3, Sue from Sioux Falls, Affairs and fantasies.

Love,
Milan and Kay