Ownership: Humble accurate honesty. “Why? “How could you? “I thought you were happy! “I asked you if you were seeing someone else, you kept saying no. “Who pursued who? “Why didn’t you resist? “But our love making seemed so intense. “How could you do this to me? “How could I have been so duped? These […]
Listening and containing pain: He looked at me, worn out and tired. Like a prize fighter in the ninth round.“I give up, this is too hard. Yes I had an affair, but I just can’t hear one more time how I’ve hurt her. I’m over it and ready to move on in my marriage. She […]
Ownership by the offended partner as to their contribution. As a couple attempts to recover from an affair, somewhere early in the therapy process I say, “I have two major goals with you as a recovering couple, the first being triage and critical care of both of you as you recover from the shock of […]
“So what do we tell the kids?” “You know kids, your father just didn’t love me well enough over the years, so I became interested in another man, we had sex (which I could justify in my mind) and now your dad is angry with me. He’s just as much as fault as I am, […]
“Separate or stay under the same roof?” I’m often asked whether or not a couple recovering from an affair should separate for a while or stay under the same roof. My answer varies. Here are some possible ways to look at it: If the woman is a victim and her husband has been steamrolling her […]
Occasionally, a letter comes along that might be helpful to us all. Here is a letter we received just this week in response to this series. Hi Milan and Kay, Thank you for this series of newsletters. My husband and I went through and are still going through this issue where my husband was unfaithful […]
“When to sell or get rid of things, such as a house, car or bed?” Remember, the title of this series is Recovering from an Affair, and frankly it is a hard thing to do. It is much easier to just walk away, vilify one another and go on with one’s life. So, if we […]
“Rebuilding a sexual relationship with an unfaithful partner.” “Even though she was unfaithful, I really miss being close, holding her and making love. We made love the other night and it felt so good, yet after it was over I was angry at myself that I was so weak and that I needed her. I’m […]
“Resisting the temptation to re-connect with the affair partner.” Should the offending party ever make an attempt to reconnect with the affair partner? No, never, especially if you want to recover from an affair, which is the title of this series. Why would a person wish to re-connect with the affair partner? Kay and I […]
“When to call it quits and stop trying?” When Jesus was asked by the Pharisees “Why did Moses command to give her a certificate and divorce her?’ He said to them ‘Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it has not been this way. And […]