I have a favorite saying in therapy. “My goal is not to take your defenses away. There are moments in life where they are necessary and handy. My goal is to make you aware of your defenses and learn to set them aside to deepen your relationships and pick them back up again when you need the safety […]
Let’s start with Avoiders. What are the most common defenses of Avoiders? It took me into my late thirties to really become aware of my defenses and even longer to learn to set them aside. Minimizing/ Denial: You completely reject the thought or feeling. “I’m not angry with him!” (Defenses can even sound Christian) “I don’t care what anyone […]
Pleasers and avoiders are alike in one way; they don’t like to engage in negative feelings. Both pleasers and avoiders are allergic to bad news and negative emotions. Avoiders think it’s all very unnecessary and pleasers are afraid of not being able to adequately fix the negativity and make it go away so they don’t feel anxious. Minimizing/ Denial: […]
Vacillators defend very differently. They often follow a pattern of defenses that repeat in the same order. Vacillators have high hopes for connection and will wade into conflict or even stir the pot to get things moving toward their idealized hopes. Idealization: Seeing life through rose colored glasses. Exaggerating the positive qualities of self or others to avoid the […]
Remember, these love styles are a result of a chaotic home where the pain is very great. I have another famous saying in therapy that I’ve probably said 1,000 times. The greater the pain, the greater the defenses. Anger: We don’t think of anger as a defense, and anger may be an appropriate response in a given situation. For […]