The Secure Connector 6

Happy Memorial Day Weekend.  We  appreciate all who have sacrificed to maintain our freedom.

I am feeling lonely…like I am typing into cyber space and know one is responding.  Last weeks newsletter was important and I wanted feedback. Did you try it?  Did it work?  Some times I need to know this is helping and I am not wasting time sending out these blog posts. Connect with me!

Here are two more traits of a secure connector:

  • I can admit when I am wrong and apologize without excuses or blaming others for my actions.
  • I can accept criticism and thoughtfully consider feedback.

Let’s start with apologies.  What did you learn about apologies growing up?  Did they happen?  Were they sincere?  This is so important because none of us are perfect and we all hurt others at times.  Can we say we are sorry without falling into a pit of shame and humiliation or without blaming others or making excuses?  A genuine apology means I am taking responsibility for my behavior.  I am assessing it and letting you know when I make a mistake.  Avoiders don’t even see when they hurt others.  Pleasers over apologize just to avoid conflict.  Vacillators struggle to apologize due to shame.  Controllers never heard an apology so they don’t have empathy when they hurt others.  Victims tolerate way too much and never expect anyone to own their bad behavior.

Criticism:  Can you hear feedback about yourself?  Can you try to see something from another person’s perspective?  The Bible has a lot to say in proverbs about the fool.  One of the most common ideas is that a fool will not accept reproof or correction.  Avoiders say, “This is just the way I am.”  Pleasers consider reproof and rejection as the same thing.  Pleasers don’t speak up when they are criticized unfairly.  It’s easy to dump on a pleaser as they don’t stand up for themselves when they should.

Vacillators are often overly critical outwardly towards others while privately they are very hard on themselves. But you won’t ever be a part of the private conversations they have internally unless they grow.  Vacillators go into an interior pit of shame ruminating about their mistakes and failures.  This becomes intolerable at some point so they go from inward blame to outward blame.  In an angry outburst they point out the faults of others.  It’s a vicious cycle that blocks the connection they long to experience.

Controllers harp on others to keep them in their box.  Control is always about keeping vulnerable childhood feelings from coming into awareness.  Their criticism can be unreasonable, unfair and unfounded.  They can dish it out…but try correcting them and you will be the object of a fit of anger. No doubt they were victims of harsh, unfair criticism in their own childhood, so hearing reproof is a big trigger setting off feelings from the past. Stop the complainer with intimidation and the trigger goes away.  The controller needs to grieve the past so they can remember how destructive rage is to a child. Last, victims take the blame for anything and everything just to keep the controller from erupting.  They need to learn to speak up and only take responsibility for what is truly their fault.  Sometimes that learning has to start in a place of safely.


9 Responses to “The Secure Connector 6”

I so appreciate your book and the blog. Being a secure connector is something I am striving for as I continue to try and understand myself and the ways I connect with others or don’t. I look forward to continuing the journey!

Kay, I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your blog and your ministry. I never thought about a reply until you said you need a cyber hug. I wanted to let you and Mylan know that I belong to a group of 6 men who meet every Monday night and have done so for a couple of years. We first did an 18 week material called Restoring Your Heart and then a second 18 week material Understanding Your Emotions. After completing that material we decided we wanted to continue meeting and growing and we chose How We Love with the book and video series. We have all found the material to be invaluable and several are sharing the material with their wives. Our next plan is after we finish to re-do the material, this time with our wives. We have 3 avoiders, a vacillator, a pleaser and controller in our group. We are all working on becoming secure connectors as our goal. Thanks for your help on our journey.

I grinned and chuckled when you asked if anyone was out here reading your posts. I thought , “yep, I really should communicate more often and not just keep sucking all of this fabulous counseling in. ” yes, it’s making an impact and every blog gives me more to use to fine tune the emerging new me. Thanks so much. I’ll love you forever.

Thanks for your blogs and helpful advice! Appreciate it so much! Still struggle at times with trying to undo/relearn/identify/understand all the complexities of my emotions and the triggers that make me overreact in anger. Had victory the other day and renewed hope after feeling so discouraged. PTL! Philippians 1:6 now has new meaning for me and I hold on to that verse and all of His Word with even more desperation. Covet your prayers!

Milan and Kay – you have been such a blessing to David and me. Since we met you three years ago at a New Life weekend we have come such a long way together. We recently led a couples small group at our church with your book “How We Love” and accompanying videos. I liked it so much I want to do it again. I am now reading “How We Love Our Kids” and am learning so much. I love your posts and cherish every one of them just as a cherish each of you. Thank you for being so transparent and real. I pray for you often and praise God for the blessings He has provided us through you, your marriage, your talents, and your willingness to share. If you ever make it to the Atlanta area we’ll hook you up.

Kay: You and Milan are blessing so many through your work and teaching. As you know, marriages are under so much pressure these days. We all need this valuable information to help us understand ourselves and our spouses. I had first heard about you and Milan when you were teaching at Coast Hills. I’ve been admiring your ministry ever since. As a MFT Intern, I am registered for your Therapist Training in July and I’m soooooo looking forward to it!! God Bless!!

Kay, Oh no! I’m a Pleaser and your loneliness is making me uneasy! Please accept my apology and feel all better! 🙂 Honestely, thank you so much for these blogs. I have read your book and plan to attend your Fall seminars in Michigan. These blogs are short, sweet, and reclarifying reinforcements. I’m digesting it all and working it into my life, my relationships as well as using it to help our premarried mentorees. God bless your work and a Big Thank You to and Milan! Linda Sinischo

Kay & Milan, we spoke a few years back, I was hoping to feature your series at my church, they decided to go with a more generic marriage ‘retreat’ session. I just told my husband after reading some of the above comments we really need to do this as a growth group at the church we go to now (we moved to South Phoenix vs. North) maybe this one will be ready for the depth and insight of How we Love! I’m a vacillator and my husband is an avoider and we’re a success story but your book really set it all in motion….

Hi Kay & Mylan! I’ve recently read your book and downloaded the seminar material and I can
‘t say thank you enough or thank God enough for the work you’re doing. I am a Vacillator. I am single and actually picked up your book as a part of my own personal “preparing for marriage” curriculum. How we love has explained so much of my own “stuff” to me, on one hand an answer to prayer and also a relief to have an idea of how to go about working on said stuff. :)! Thanks so much for the blogs they make me feel not so alone as I walk through some painful things, they cheer me on to wholeness…

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