Rupture and Repair – Vacillator

Let’s look at each love style and where they might struggle with causing rupture and initiating repair:


Vacillators often come from home where there were intense interchanges, unkind words and few (if any) apologies.

While they have high standards for how others talk to them, they tend to feel justified in expressing raw anger or criticism any time they feel it’s warranted.

This double standard angers other family members but they are not likely to express it.


Because their will be more anger to deal with.

Vacillators have a very difficult time taking ownership for their contributions to ruptures and blame others, expecting them to make amends.

Vacillators feel “all bad”  when they own their faults and need help to realize they can still be loveable when wrong.

Remember, vacillators want connection without being vulnerability.

Owning your mistakes and anger and how it hurts others is indeed vulnerable.

Be brave vacillators.

Ask your spouse or kids how they feel after you are angry.

Listen to the answer without blaming, fixing or justifying.

Learn to express hurt not anger and be willing to make repairs after you are angry.

Your anger does hurt others.

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay

Next Week:  We will look at How Controllers and Victims Deal with Rupture and Repair