Rupture and Repair – Avoiders

Let’s look at each love style and where they might struggle with causing rupture and initiating repair:


Avoiders will struggle with minimizing and brushing over this whole topic.

Often there was so little connection for them growing up they do not have memories of anyone trying to make things better or restoring relationship when things went wrong.

Just get over it.

You’re fine.

Avoiders will most often offend by omission.

They won’t notice when they hurt family members with their independent, brisk manner or lack of empathy.

Learning to recognize how they hurt others and apologize is a big growth goal.

Because Avoiders learned to dismiss feelings they often don’t remember others do have feelings and experience hurt.

As avoiders learn to come back to life and develop their own range of emotions they are often more sensitive to others.

Their independent nature can make apologies a struggle but one they must engage in to grow and become like Christ.

Thanks for listening.

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay

Next Week:  We will look at How Pleasers Deal with Rupture and Repair


2 Responses to “Rupture and Repair – Avoiders”

I couldn’t agree more. My avoider husband disappoints me so much by omission. He doesn’t respond to my concerns, complaints, or sorrows if they have anything to do with him. He doesn’t compliment me, He doesn’t initiate activities with me. He doesn’t invite me to do things. He doesn’t say I love you. He doesn’t make spending time with me a priority. He doesn’t show enthusiasm for my ideas.

But he is gentle. He is not aggressive. He is not demanding. He is not rude. He is not insulting.

But what I want is for him to notice something special about my words or deeds or appearance and compliment me. Or to invite me. I want him to initiate or plan with me.

How does one motivate an avoider who has spent their lifetime being a self-starter and independent and a do it “my way” type person.

And his response sometimes to my requests are that he doesn’t do (whatever it is) for anyone. He doesn’t think I should take it personal. etc.

It’s difficult to make changes if the avoider is unwilling to see the are relating out of an attachment injury. Of course he doesn’t do that for anyone else. He’s an avoider. I’m glad you can see the positive. Would he read the book or watch the DVD with you?

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