Rupture and Repair

After reading last weeks newsletter, did you write your list of what each parent did that ruptured relationship with you?

Did you write how it made you feel?

If so you are ready for the next step.

Let’s think about your love lessons about repair. 

Repair:

To restore something broken or damaged to good condition.  To restore a relationship or friendship by resolving a difficulty or disagreement.  To make amends for something wrong or a wrong-doing. 

Synonyms:  Mend, fix, patch up, restore, refurbish, renovate. 

Now, for the most important question.

Do you have memories of repair?

Was Dad or Mom aware of the ruptures they caused and did they make efforts to repair the breakdown?

Did the unsafe become safe again?

Was the hurt soothed?

Were apologizes offered?

What would the process of repair look like?

It could take different forms.

  1. Ownership and confession.  “I was really grumpy after work yesterday and I took it out on you.  You did not deserve my impatience.  It was wrong of me to treat you that way and I’m sorry.  I wonder how I make you feel when I do that.
  2. Coming back around.   “I think I may have hurt your feelings last night at dinner.  You seemed upset after I commented on the food.  I’d like to know how you were feeling after dinner.
  3. Being aware of your weaknesses.  “I know my voice tone can get impatient and snippy.  I just heard myself use that tone.  I’d like to try again to say what I need to tell you in a kind way.”
  4. Do over.  Last night I really fixed your problem and offered advice when I think you just needed a listening ear.  Would you be willing to let me try again to do a better job of listening?
  5. Not minimizing.  I want you to know I’m aware of how deeply my betrayal hurt you. I realize it’s going to take lots of ownership and listening on my part to rebuild trust.  I want you to know that I want to restore our relationship, no matter

what it takes.

  1. Not Blaming.  I know I tend to justify and give a lot of excuses when I’m late.  The truth is, it is my fault and I know it is disrespectful of your time when I’m late and I am sorry.
  2. Intervention:  I can tell we are going to have the same old fight.  This is when I want to run or find a job to do.  I really want to listen but I’m not very good at it so try and be patient while I try something new that is difficult for me.

Now that you get the idea, write down any attempts each parent (or siblings) made to repair ruptures.

Look back at the feeling word list from last week and write down how those repairs made you feel.

If there were no repairs, how did that make you feel?

 

Thanks for listening!

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay

Next Week:  More about rupture and repair.