“Resisting the temptation to re-connect with the affair partner.”
Should the offending party ever make an attempt to reconnect with the affair partner? No, never, especially if you want to recover from an affair, which is the title of this series. Why would a person wish to re-connect with the affair partner?
Kay and I think there are several reasons:
Curiosity: “I wonder how they are doing?” If you or your partner has had an affair, there is care (at some level) for the other person’s well being. Perhaps they are wondering, “My marriage is on the rocks, I wonder if theirs is too?” For some, I’m sure that they are thinking, if it doesn’t work out and I get a divorce, and their marriage doesn’t work out, I’m going after him/her.”
Love & longing: When an emotional attraction begins and it is fed, people fall in love and develop deep affections for the other person. Many people who participate in adultery, even after they have been found out, do not want to let go of the person whom they like very much. They also don’t want to give up the Disneyland affair that allows them to escape reality. They don’t realize that in time, if they were to marry this new person, problems would eventually develop that could be just as serious as the ones they are in right now. The reason is they will take themselves with them wherever they go.
Lust: This is true especially for Avoider and Controller males. They compartmentalize sex in their minds and objectify the woman, and simply want to have sex. The sweet phone call to just check in often has the ulterior motive of sex… which is all they really wanted in the first place.
Punishment / reward: As noted in previous newsletters, there is a price to pay for having an affair. The offended party will be angry and bitter for a long time and it will take a lot of hard work for trust to again develop. The adulterer can get tired of this, grow impatient and become angry themselves. As retribution, or perhaps an impulsive act of anger or with the intent to inflict revenge for being treated unkindly, some people unwisely choose to get back with another adulterous act.
Comfort from pain: Having already sought comfort in someone else’s arms, the temptation to do it again when hurting his highly predictable.
Closure: Many people want to establish contact to close the loop. To apologize, get one final kiss, ask forgiveness, confront, slap, expose, shame or inflict suffering to the person who has caused them so much pain.
You may have thought of other reasons… I’m sure there are more…
BUT… no matter the reason…
if you want to recover from an affair…
DO NO NOT MAKE CONTACT.
Thanks for listening,
Love and Blessings,
Milan & Kay