The Secure Connector 4 – Rate Yourself

We hope to see you at one of the Saddleback Church Services this weekend.  We will be doing part two of the Love Powered Parenting Series.  Stop by our table in the resource area to say Hi!

Rate Yourself as Secure Connector: 

On our website under Secure Connector we have a link to a list of traits of a secure connector.  For any attachment injury these are your goals.  You can rate yourself to see how proficient you are at the abilities a secure connector possesses.  We can all find some area to improve.  For the weeks ahead we will look at each of these traits and explain why this is an important relationship skill.  If you really want to be courageous ask your spouse, teenage or friend to rate you.

As we work toward a secure attachment we will be able to rate ourselves higher (more strongly agree) in the following areas.  Here are the next three traits.

Rate 1-5: #1 = No/rarely.  #5 = Most often/always.

  • I can name five strengths I possess in my character and talents and three weaknesses.
  • I can make a mistake and recover quickly.
  • I can find middle ground in life versus being an eternal optimist or constant pessimist.

These skills involve the ability to integrate good and bad.  Every person is good and bad.  Every day is good and bad.  Every vacation is good and bad.  You get the idea.  Are you comfortable with this reality?  Can you live with the good along side the bad?  The goal of parenting is to help our kids have a good understanding of their strengths and weaknesses.  We don’t want them to think they are so wonderful that they are shocked when someone criticizes them.  “What?  My mommy said I am the most wonderful boy in the world and I can do anything.”  This boy grows up into a narcissistic man. Too much criticism and focus on weakness makes a child feel insecure and inadequate.  This child will grow up and be unable to receive compliments.

We are looking for a healthy middle.  If we reach adulthood with a balanced view of ourselves then mistakes won’t be deadly sending us into a spiral of shame.  How were mistakes handled in your family growing up?  What did you learn?

Pleasers and vacillators are the optimistic idealists with little room for “bad”.  Pleasers stay in the la la land of denial where as vacillators crash into all bad when disappointed. While pleasers are pretending things are better than they are, vacillators are swinging between all good and all bad with little middle ground.

Avoiders are so task oriented that mistakes are often seen as fatal and final.  If you are on task and mastering the goal…it is good.  If you are emotional and needy it is bad.  Controllers see mistakes where there are none and often make others around them feel bad and worthless.  Victims learned to tolerate the intolerable and often feel any good will quickly be swept away in a flood of chaos.  It’s hard for the victim to trust in good and believe they have any control to make it last.  Protection may be the first step in making that happen.

When you start your day you might want to say to yourself, “Today will be good and bad.  Successes and mistakes.  God grant me the ability to live in reality and let the good and bad live side by side in my life.