Desire…the hunger of the soul for life vibrant, eyes locked in understanding, skin touching skin in soothing comfort, feet dancing to the rhythms of life.
Desire thwarted. Prayer unanswered. Frantic I search for seeds of hope, watering, waiting, trying to keep hope alive. But desire withers, brown thirsty, unquenched, it lies motionless, a shrunken seed under the scorching sun of disappointment.
Desire lost. Hope smothered until no breath is left, no energy to even try to kindle a spark or nurse a dying ember back to life.
How do I desire the one who has let hope die? How do I long for the one who watched me plead and stood quiet? Desire and hope have torn me to pieces. Loss has swallowed me whole.
I go down into the belly of the whale, into the dark tomb where threads of trust hold me in the shrouded mystery of God. I lay here quiet for a long time, shards of broken hope scattered around me.
God rocks me quiet on those threads of trust giving me time, space. I am learning to rest in the mystery of God, learning to let him have his way when it makes no sense. Surrendering to a loving plan that is beyond my understanding.
I wrote these words after experiencing some deep losses that broke my heart.
I believed I was trusting in the promises of God’s word and indeed I was.
God’s silence broke my heart too.
He was quiet, prayers went unanswered and tragedies ensued.
I try not to put God “in a box” but I do.
Sometimes I don’t know there is a box until the box blows apart.
Will I still trust my Lord?
Can I “not know why” yet believe He is good? Accepting that God’s ways are sometimes mysterious takes time. It’s easy to trust when we have an inkling as to what God is doing.
When he leaves us confused and bewildered its strange vista.
Standing in a cold, dense fog I learn to stand still, not seeing not knowing when the fog will lift, unsure of the way out learning to let perfect love cast out fear.
Let God be a mystery for he is beyond our understanding and we cannot begin to conceive of his deep love or incomprehensible power over every aspect of our lives even when He is quiet.
Thanks for listening,
Love and Blessings,
Milan & Kay