Perfected in Love: The Controller

We’ve looked at the secure connector who emotionally and relationally speaking most resembles Jesus Christ as He loved and related to those around Him.   This week we will continue our observation of insecure connectors and lovers who unlike Christ, live with high levels of fear and shame. Remember our theme verse: “there is no fear in love; but perfect love cast out fear… and the one who fears is not perfected in love (I John 4:18).” Now, let’s look at the Controller

  • Background:
    • Fright without solutions.
    • Childhood pain and hurtful experiences.
    • Low empathy for self and others.
    • No comfort for pain experienced as a child.
    • High levels of anger, shame and humiliation.
  • Characteristics:
    • They use anger and intimidation to cover fear.
    • They don’t ask questions… rather they demand answers.
    • They control others to keep themselves safe and from feeling threatened.
  • Fear that blocks love from being perfected?
    • They fear domination and abuse, so they cannot ever risk being in the “under” position.   They must dominate to stay on top.
  • Growth goals to allow God’s love to be perfected in you:
    • Acknowledge the past… its hurts, grieve and accept the fact that your past and the pain you experienced is controlling you… to this very day.
    • Acknowledge your fear, depression and anxiety.
    • Develop empathy for yourself and for others.
    • Learn to listen and take advice and instruction from others.
    • Learn to accept differing opinions that have influence over you.

These growth goals cannot be accomplished in isolation but need to be learned in relationship with a group of people who will help you learn to be stronger as a person.   You were injured in relationship and you will only heal in relationship with others who are safe and honest.   A recovery, co-dependency, 12 step or growth group within a church, community or therapy office can provide a wonderful atmosphere to help you accomplish the above listed growth goals.

Thanks for listening.

Milan & Kay

Next Week:  The fear that binds the Victim and steps needed to become more perfected in love.
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