THE PLEASER AS A PARENT
A quick review of the pleaser:
Fear based nurturing. Parent is overly protective to relieve their own anxiety. Or parent is angry, critical. Child manages parental anger or anxiety by being good.
Want connection to relieve anxiety about disapproval or rejection. May be fearful when alone. Gives and appeases to maintain connection. Burn out and resentment over time.
Looks for opportunities to give and expects little in return.
Safety, Harmony. If others are happy, I can relax. If I keep others close and happy, I won’t be abandoned.
Anxious if apart or if others are critical, angry or rejecting. Worry. Anger, is undeveloped.
Anxiety when others detach, want space, or give silent treatment. Interpret distance as a sign that others are angry or rejecting and efforts at giving or appeasing are not sufficient or successful.
Response: Pursues, tries harder, gives more, to calm own anxiety.
The Pleaser as a Parent
The desire of every pleaser is that everyone is happy and that includes the children.
Pleasers tend to do well with babies giving them lots of time and attention.
Since infancy is a time in development when a child needs a lot of soothing and holding this tends to be a good match for pleaser.
Worry is a nagging problem for most pleasers and they may seek and need a lot of assurance in their role as a parent.
Life as a parent becomes a little more difficult for the Pleaser when the child reaches
the age where they want to separate, say “NO!” and express their own desires and
This starts anywhere from 12 months to the preschool years depending on the child’s personality.
Pleasers often avoid conflict and disagreement that is part of family life.
They tend to minimize and placate difficult emotions in their kids Pleasers do not like anyone to be mad at them, even the kids, so they often lack of firm boundaries and at
times overindulge their kids.
They often depend on the other parent to be the disciplinarian and then criticize them for “being too hard.”
Pleasers need to learn to tolerate the rejection they will feel at times from their kids as
they learn to be more firm.
Pleaser’s have a difficult time allowing their children to feel frustration and stress that is a normal part of life.
They tend to protect and rescue rather than help a child learn to deal with difficult circumstances.
“Don’t play with those mean kids,” verses “Let’s role play and practice some words you can say to kids when they are unkind”.
Pleasers will be better at this as they learn themselves to be angry and set boundaries in their own adult relationships.
Life is stressful.
Children face many experiences of frustration, inadequacy, rejection, ridicule, and other painful feelings.
Pleasers, make it your goal to help you child learn to express and manage these feeling,
not get rid of them.
They are a part of life.
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay