Modeling Growth As A Parent – Part 3
Modeling growth by PROMOTING ADULTHOOD.
Hopefully, you will become a “transitional” generation as you parent your children whether they are still in the nest or grown and out of the nest. An often overlooked topic within the subject of parenting is the concept of “modeling” behaviors and attitudes that your children will emulate consciously and unconsciously.
There are three key ways you can grow and model an emotionally, relationally and spiritually maturing adult. In the last two newsletters we learned about:
- Modeling growth by CONNECTING with them.
- Modeling growth by INTEGRATING GOOD AND BAD.
This week we will look at the third component which is
- Modeling growth by PROMOTINGThought Questions:
- Is failure to launch a parental problem or the adolescent’s problem?
- Agree or disagree: Your kids will only be as healthy as your marriage.
So, how do we model growth in our own lives and promote adulthood in our young adults?
We must help them leave and cleave:
“Have you not read… For this cause man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.” “Consequently they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate (Matthew 19:5-6 & Genesis 2:24).”
We need to plan to let them go. After all, this verse tells us that they were “born to launch.” Our goal in parenting is to teach them how God is going to parent them as an adult. This should be a fairly seamless transition in which the young adult leaves your authority and walks under God’s umbrella.
- How can we help them?
- Is it possible that we as parents could be the “let no man separate” man?
- How can cultures affect this process? (Remember Israel was clannish & patriarchal).
- How will each attachment style deal with the “leaving” part?
- How will each attachment style deal with the “cleaving” part?
- Listen cautiously to spousal complaints. All marriage problems are co-created.
1. Letting them go to fulfill a divine destiny:
- Giving them room to be an individual and be different than you, all the while maintaining certain basic standards and responsibilities.
2. Experiencing a paradigm shift from child to adult peer (I Cor. 11:1).
- Letting them suffer vs. rescuing them. The assumption of more and more adult weight upon their shoulders will help them grow. Rescuing only weakens them.
- Training & preparing them for life vs. enabling & keeping them weak.
- Have them write checks & go to the bank.
- Perform their own auto maintenance
- Learn Quick Books or Microsoft money.
- Master Microsoft office.
- Go to the tax prep appointments with you.
- Fight their own battles.
- Expecting failures vs. perfection. Expect mistakes and plan for failures vs. demanding perfection and punishing failure. They must learn to self correct, problem solve and judging themselves. This is how God is with us (I Corinthians 11:31).
- Helping them learn their strengths and weaknesses. Truth and reality are our best friends.
3. Keeping short accounts with them, and making restitution with adult children.
- Own, apologize ask forgiveness.
- Share journey & growth & changes. “I wish I could have known then, what I know now.”
We hope some of these things will help you to model growth to your children and young adults.
Kay will be writing the rest of March’s newsletters!Thanks and blessings,
Milan & Kay