Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage
We have had many responses to this series on Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage.
I picked three e-mails that are representative of the general lines of questioning that we receive.
While the discussions on the topic are seemingly endless, we shall wrap up this discussion with these questions.
- “Wouldn’t pornography be a possible grounds for divorce if the party was physically stimulating themselves while watching and or talking to another party? It seems like computer sex to me. Please clarify if this is not ‘pornea’ as the person is not actually there with them.”
While what you are describing is an enslaving habit which does not foster one ounce of intimacy within a marriage, the word ‘pornea’ was originally used to describe illicit physical acts with someone else.
This would mean, actual physical contact with a real live person, whether the same sex or the opposite sex.
What we imagine in our minds or watch on the internet does not constitute true physical contact, rather the Bible calls this lust.
Lust means to fix ones desire upon another person for the purpose of wanting to be sexual with the individual.
While sinful and wrong, it is not the same and cannot be used for a justification for divorce.
If that were so, then everybody could get a divorce because we are all guilty of internal thoughts that miss the mark.
What these thoughts reveal is that we need a Savior and that not merely conforming to outward behaviors is adequate for presenting us as righteous before a Holy God this was Jesus point in Matthew 5:27-28.
Your husband’s enslavement needs more interventions from you including couple’s therapy which would address his need for deep connection and soothing which he has replaced with a self medicating enslavement.
- “I have found this series very interesting and very timely for me. (Paraphrasing) I am in a second marriage of nine years and we have three college age children between the two of us. One of my daughters is argumentative with my husband (“rebellious”), I don’t think he is saved, he wants to divorce over her attitude, I told him to go and he backed down, the holidays are not enjoyable. How do we mend our family and marriage as we near the empty nest phase?”
Sometimes the angry child is the one that sees the most clearly and will actually rise up and challenge the family system, which some controllers then call rebellious.
Sometimes the vocal angry child (who is now an eighteen year old adult) may actually be the healthiest one as they dare to challenge the insanity, inconsistency and authoritarian double standards of the controller parent.
Perhaps your desire for peace and “mending” is your own anxiousness crying out for a calm with no real resolution toward healthiness.
Maybe the empty nest will be more pleasant when you learn to call his bluff, increase the resistance and create better levels of adult interaction for yourself.
I love your heart, yet I sense a timidity (How We Love, Pleaser or Victim) that sabotages real peace.
Keep growing and exercising the adult voice, which will raise the family system to a higher level of maturity.
Stop allowing the weakest link to dominate and bring the family system to lower and lower levels.
3. “My former wife divorced me due to my years of being sexually unfaithful. I don’t for one minute question her biblical or moral reasons for her doing that and although she never wanted to go for counseling, I don’t blame her based on the depth of pain I brought into her life. I would love to have restoration, but the pain is so deep, she understandably can’t stand me. Is it your best advice to just keep loving the kids and serving her in any manner I can but stay away from talking about anything other than the kids.”
Learn to share your journey of pain with her.
Tell her of your advancements in insight as to why you sought love in all the wrong places.
Stay in therapy, increase in your self awareness and help your kids learn to identify their feelings and bring them into relationship for comfort and bonding.
Offer this for your wife and enter into true relationship and not just settle for acts of kindness toward her.
Take it up a notch and enter into true levels of vulnerability and healthiness.
Again, we know that this is very difficult material to take in and absorb, so go slowly and ask God for wisdom in applying these concepts to your life.
Thanks for listening,
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay
Next Week: We will discuss some of your e-mail questions.