Lies embedded in the Love Styles – the Controller


Controller and the Lies They Believe

The more controlling a person is the deeper the childhood wounds driving the controlling behavior.  The angrier a controller is the deeper the pools of unresolved, uncomforted pain.  Now, read that again.  It’s really important.  I work in a prison ministry because I have a heart for the controllers and victims which are prevalent in the prison population.   Lots of pain equals lots of addictions to keep the pain away.  Drugs, shopping, eating, gambling, alcohol, shoplifting, all these are ways of getting relief without relationships.  The childhood experience of both victims and controllers is relationships are necessary but dangerous and anxiety producing.

The biggest lie that keeps controllers trapped is this:

I must control so I don’t ever have to feel vulnerable childhood feelings of insecurity, humiliation, fear, anxiety, shame, embarrassment, or victimization.

Are you a controller?  Control and being in charge is a defense against pain.  If pain begins to surface or a controller feels threatened an outburst of anger and intimidation helps vulnerable feelings dissipate.  It’s a big and exhausting job to manage your life in such a commanding way that you never feel helpless, weak or defenseless.   Isn’t that exactly how you felt as a child; scared, helpless, weak and defenseless?

Controllers believe they know best.  That’s another lie.  No one is that smart.  Not knowing what to do is another painful childhood feeling.  Controllers have to always have the answer so they don’t feel confused or anxious like they did when they were small.

Controllers, do you realize how your whole life is built on never feeling your childhood pain?  The trouble is, there was no comfort then, and there is no comfort now because you are so busy denying anything was all that bad in your past.

Here is the truth:

  • There is a little child in you who suffered greatly and has never been heard, validated or comforted.
  • Facing your pain and learning to take in comfort means you can let go of anger and control.
  • God made tears for a reason.  They wash away pain, stress and hurt.  Jesus cried.  If you are going to be like him, you will cry too.

Shame comes from having a need and being dismissed, devalued, humiliated or teased.  Shame is a very painful emotion and Controllers and Victims have a lot of shame.  Jesus felt shame too and he did not like it.  “…let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame.”  Heb 12:2.

The cross was a shame-filled event.  Jesus hung on the cross naked, on display, exposed, bearing sin, and forsaken by God until man’s sin was paid for. Jesus understands, from His own experience how it feels to be exposed, ashamed and forsaken.  Many controllers and victims are very familiar with these feelings from their childhood experiences.

But there was a joy set before Jesus that helped him endure.  What was that joy?  Salvation, redemption, restoration, healing, reunion, comfort, hope; that’s what the cross provides.  That’s what the pain and the vulnerability of the cross produced.  Controllers, what would be the result in your life if you were willing to be vulnerable and face pain?